


In Days Gone By

by mysterKey



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Friendship, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Romance, Sad Na Jaemin, Secret Identity, side chenle/jeno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:41:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27377395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysterKey/pseuds/mysterKey
Summary: Na Jaemin was a name that Renjun heard about too often but if you were to place him right in front of Renjun, he wouldn't be able to tell. Now, why was his face popping up in articles about the idol?
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 11
Kudos: 161
Collections: '00 FIC FEST ROUND TWO





	In Days Gone By

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt #00166
> 
> I'm gonna be honest, the prompt kind of ran away from me and I didn't realize until like 2 days before submissions so this is what turned out but I am still happy with the result. Sorry to the prompter, I hope that you still enjoy it!

"Come on Renjun." Yangyang whines, dragging Renjun to move along faster. All night long the younger was hyperactive, excited for what today would bring. He waited for this day to come for weeks. All Renjun wanted to do was go to sleep. 

"Why do we even need to rush? It's not like you'll get to spend more time with them." The fan sign event was all Yangyang would talk about for the past two weeks ever since he was notified that he got in. To Renjun's utter dismay, the only way that his aunt would allow Yangyang to go to the fan sign is if he brought Renjun with him. That's how Renjun finds himself here at sixteen in line at a fan signing for a group he vaguely knows with an album in hand that Yangyang forced him to carry to get signed. 

Archangel, the duo that Yangyang wouldn't shut the hell up about ever since they debuted five months ago. Yangyang gave him the entire rundown on the duo the night before just to make sure he wasn't completely uninformed the entire time. He'll give his cousin credit, A+ effort for coming up with a presentation but as soon as he started going into their trainee history Renjun zoned out. 

From what he did listen to though, the main draw of the group to Yangyang was the fact that the boys were their age. Renjun didn't get it. For how much he hated the majority of the boys in his school, there was nothing about being a fan of someone remotely their age that appealed to him. 

Yangyang clasps his hands down on Renjun's shoulders, staring into his eyes with a determination that Renjun's never seen before. "Okay, quick recap Jun. What are you going to say to them when you get up there?" 

Renjun groans, they went over this at least fifty times, "If I get in front of Jaemin, talk about how he's my cousin's favorite and tell him to take care of his health. If I get in front of Haechan, talk about how much of a triple threat he is." 

Jaemin, the object of Yangyang's affections. His so-called "gay awakening." Which doesn't make much sense because Yangyang's been out since he was thirteen but nothing seems to make much sense with Yangyang as far as this group was concerned. Jaemin with his array of pastel hair and a pearly white smile. A rapper that can blast out a string of words with an angelic look on his face. It’s no wonder that he’s Yangyang’s favorite. On the other hand, if Renjun had to pick a favorite for himself he supposes that Haechan would fit the bill. At the very least, Renjun admired his voice a lot. His high tone highly complimented Jaemin's lower tone. He couldn't deny that they made a good duo. 

"Perfect." Yangyang smiles, planting a quick kiss on his forehead, proud of his cousin's efforts. "Have I mentioned that I love you?" 

Renjun grimaces, elbowing Yangyang to force some distance between them. "You can stand to say it a bit more but you can also keep your lips to yourself." 

"Never." 

To Renjun's utter dismay and Yangyang's glee, they end up on separate lines. From what he could see, he and Yangyang were the only males there and the only thing that made this worse was the fact that he was nothing more than a poser. If anyone dared to speak to him he'd quickly be deemed as someone who didn't deserve to be there. He didn't want to feel the wrath of passionate fangirls, after all, he did want to make it past the ripe age of sixteen.

Renjun stands in the middle of two groups of girls chatting excitedly amongst themselves. They're practically bouncing out of their skin and it makes him anxious. His fingers wrap around the album in a death grip. One wrong move and he's sure his fingers could pierce through the plastic out of pure adrenaline. The next time Yangyang begs him to attend some fan event, he has to bargain for something good. He wasn't going to continue going through this for free and in the name of family. 

"Please move forward." He's ushered forward. 

Renjun takes a deep breath, he can do this. What was there to be afraid of? Definitely not a guy younger than him. Renjun shuffles forward as the person in front of him makes their way off the stage. 

"Hello!" Jaemin perks up as Renjun makes his way toward him, dark eyebrows flying up underneath his pastel blue fringe. His surprise quickly dissolves into a soft smile, "We don't have a lot of male fans yet. I'm happy to see you!" 

Renjun hands the album over, "Could you sign it to my cousin Yangyang? You're his favorite member." 

"You must be the best cousin in the world then.” The star begins scribbling words down on the face of the album without ever breaking eye contact with Renjun. “What about you? Who is your favorite member?" 

Renjun shrugs, "I don't know. Haechan, I guess? I don't feel strongly either way." 

"Thank you for your support either way." 

"My cousin wanted me to tell you to take good care of your health and not to overexert yourself." 

"Thank you!" Jaemin looks up again after putting the finishing touches on his signature. His eyes are curled into little crescents. Okay, maybe he understands Yangyang's fascination just a little. The boy was beautiful. At the very least, prettier than any boy that Renjun had the misfortune of going to school with. It was hard to tell if it was the glitter smudged along his eye line or if the sparkle in the star’s eyes came from within. 

"Please move along." The staff instructs him. 

Renjun takes back the album with a curt nod, "Uh, stay golden." He gives a finger salute before walking off. Who the hell was he? Embarrassing. 

It takes some time to find Yangyang afterward. The younger boy makes his way over to him practically floating, soaring through the high of meeting one of his favorite people. 

"You're going to owe me for the rest of our lives."

"You know if I wasn't on cloud nine right now your negativity may have got to me. Haechan practically glows through his skin. I'm in awe." 

"It's called highlighter. Here's your album." 

"To the person with the nicest cousin in the world, Yangyang.' What the fuck did you say to him?"

"I said your script to T. Don't look at me like that."

Renjun is a couple of weeks into his first year of college when he picks up the phone only to hear Yangyang wailing on the other end. Yangyang has always been this dramatic, sometimes it's difficult to determine if he was actually in distress or playing up an act. 

"He has a girlfriend!" 

Renjun shoots upright in his bed, "Who? Hendery? I'll murder him." Yangyang was one of those stereotypical college freshmen that met the "love of his life" within the first week of school. The few times that he's spoken to the man over video chat he seemed harmless and absolutely adores his younger cousin. Plus he took Renjun's threat of breaking his legs if he hurt Yangyang lightly which means that a surprise attack would be fairly easy.

Renjun's roommate, Jeno, shoots him a look from where he's seated at his desk that screams "no murder." Jeno is pretty cool. They don't clash as roommates which Renjun is grateful for given the number of horror stories he's heard about getting matched up at random with a roommate. It could be so much worse, so he has no complaints. They don't run in similar circles so they don't really see each other outside of their dormitory despite having some classes in common. He couldn't complain. 

"What? No! Of course not! Hendery would never hurt me." 

"Then who the fuck are you talking about and why should I care?" 

"Na Jaemin!" Of course, this would be about him. Everyone hoped that Yangyang would grow out of this by the time they went off to college but everyone in their family was wrong. While he didn't get any more invested in the idol, the intensity that he had as a sixteen-year-old carried into his young adulthood. 

Yangyang may not be able to see him right now but surely he was able to envision Renjun rolling his eyes, "Now answer the part about why I should care?" 

"Because I care and you love me as your cousin and best friend."

"When have I ever called you my best friend?" By all means, their parents had set them up to be the best of friends. Putting them in the same daycare as kids, living close enough that they went to the same schools growing up. If it hadn't been for them having different career goals he's sure that they would have somehow managed to go to the same college. Instead, Yangyang stayed in their home city while Renjun moved off to a university about three hours away. 

"Starting now."

Renjun buffs, "Can't you go to Hendery to complain about this? Isn't that what boyfriends are for?" 

"He doesn't care about this stuff." 

"But it's his job to pretend that he actually cares. Not mine." 

"But I love you." 

Renjun sighs, "Fine, so who is his girlfriend?"

Not even a month passes before Yangyang calls to tell him that Na Jaemin and his girlfriend have broken up.

"Hey Renjun, can I talk to you about earlier?" Jeno sidles into the room, completely avoiding his gaze. Renjun wondered how long it would take for Jeno to return to their room after the incident. The incident being Renjun walking in on Jeno being railed by some upperclassmen that he vaguely recognizes. Renjun ran out of the room quickly, not even managing to grab the lab equipment he forgot to grab earlier this morning. He ended up borrowing a friend's equipment but by the time he returned to the room Jeno was nowhere to be found. 

"What exactly is there to say?" Sure, he would have loved a heads up so that he wouldn't have walked in on that sight but he couldn't knock Jeno for getting dicked down. Renjun shifts in his bed so that he's sitting up, making room for Jeno to sit. 

Jeno takes a seat on the edge of Renjun's bed, still looking anywhere but at his roommate. It takes him a moment before he speaks, and when he does his voice shakes, "I'm sorry. I should have texted you or something. We usually don't do that here but he showed up to return something to me and one thing led to another and yeah. I'm sorry." 

Renjun recognizes that initial anxiety anywhere. "I know we don't generally talk about this sort of stuff so I don't know if this is obvious but I'm pretty gay too so if you're worried about me being a homophobe or something I'm not." 

"Thank God." Jeno sighs, relieved. He looks over to Renjun the first time during this conversation, his eyes glistening with tears he refuses to let fall. "You never know when you get a random roommate." 

"I get it. Don't worry about it. But you and Doyoung though?" 

The small smile that blooms on Jeno's face says it all. "Uh yeah. I guess. Kind of. We don't really have a label or anything but yeah me and Doyoung." 

"If he hurts you, don't think that I won't skin him alive." They may not be too close but he wouldn't hesitate to throw hands for Jeno any day. Jeno was all too nice to his detriment to do it for himself. 

Jeno's eyes curl, a smile on his face, "I appreciate it." 

“You guys can use this room if you want to from time to time. I know it doesn't look like it but I do have friends and I can crash at their places if need be. I just need a heads up ya know. I don’t think I could survive seeing Doyoung’s ass again.” 

Jeno doubles over, laughing. “Seriously, we always go to his apartment. I don’t know what got into us. His one flaw is his lack of an ass.” 

“At least you’re aware.” 

“You know that offer is open for you too. If you ever want to bring someone over. Just let me know."

Renjun can't contain the laugh that escapes him. "I'm sure this much is obvious but I am very single." 

"Really? That's super surprising to me. I can set you up with someone if you'd like. One of my friends has a crush on you." 

"After most of the semester being nothing more than acquaintances all it takes is me seeing you get fucked to break that barrier?" Renjun laughs. 

"All friendships start somewhere right?" If their friendship makes it out of college it'll be a story to tell at Jeno's future wedding. 

"How does one of your friends have a crush on me when we barely hang out with each other?" 

"We run into each other sometimes. Plus in case you haven't in the mirror lately, you're pretty damn cute."

"Which one of your friends is it?" 

"Lucas." 

Renjun blinks at him, "As in Wong Yukhei, Lucas?" 

"Yeah. You know him?" 

"Of course not. Not personally. Everyone on this campus knows him. He's like a walking god." Lucas, one of the stars on the basketball team. Anyone with eyes would consider him attractive and the numerous suitors after him only confirmed as much. 

"He's only like that on the outside. He's pretty laid back and goofy." 

"He's gay?" 

Jeno shrugs, "not quite sure what he labels himself as but he seems like he'd be into anyone he finds attractive."

"Oh. That's dope. I wouldn't have guessed." 

"So what do you say? Should I introduce you two?" 

"I'd be stupid to reject the opportunity to go on a date with someone like Lucas." 

"I can't believe I let my cousin convince me to go on a double date at this concert." Moving away from home for college protected him from physically attending any Archangel event that Yangyang would have dragged him to otherwise. When his cousin brought up the idea of a double date, Renjun assumed it'd be something like a nice dinner. When Yangyang sent him a screenshot of the receipt for the concert tickets, needless to say, he was surprised. 

"It can't be that bad. Your cousin seems super excited." Lucas has an arm wrapped around Renjun's abdomen, keeping him close and running calming circles into his side. It's been six months since Jeno followed through with his matchmaking abilities, and the pair being attached at the hip ever since. "Plus that playlist your cousin sent with their music wasn't bad. It should be fun." 

"I'm gonna kill him." 

Lucas kisses his temple, "I'm not quite sure how I'd feel about a fugitive boyfriend." 

Renjun looks up at his boyfriend with a grin, "Guess I'll just have to take you down with me then, huh?" Instead of answering, Lucas leans down to peck at Renjun's lips. 

"Can you guys not do that in the house of greatness?" Yangyang’s annoying voice permeates their moment. 

"Don't be so bitter when your boyfriend is standing right behind you." Renjun half expected his cousin to show up decked out head to toe in fan merchandise, he supposes that a light-up bone-crushing nature of this hug reminds him that you can't judge a book by its cover. "I missed you short stuff." 

Renjun jams a finger into his side, forcing him to let go, "I didn't miss you that much." How could he when they texted almost every day? 

"It's nice to meet you in person finally, Lucas.” Yangyang smiles brightly, “the person that took the stick out of my dear cousin's ass and replaced it with a —"

“Babe, there are literal children around Yangyang.” Hendery might be used to Yangyang’s apparent lack of a filter but the thirteen-year-olds surrounding them certainly wouldn’t.

"Right, sorry. But it is nice to meet you. Renjun talks a lot about you."

“Has he?” Lucas grins down at him. “I hope it’s been nothing but good things.” 

“Some things that I can’t say in front of children but yes good things.” 

“Please Yangyang stop talking,” Renjun begs. “Why haven’t you learned to put a filter on to this day?”

Yangyang winks, “It’s part of my charm.” 

“You must be a saint Hendery for dealing with this kid.”

“Not any more than you are for dealing with him for the past almost nineteen years.” Hendery jokes. 

“Hey!” Yangyang glares. 

"How did auntie even allow you to purchase these tickets?" 

"What my mom doesn't know won't hurt her. You're lucky I didn't splurge for tier one tickets. Renjun probably would have knocked someone out for getting too close." 

"Wow, thank you for thinking about me when you bought concert tickets for a group that I don't like," Renjun says, sarcasm laced throughout his words. 

"You don't have to act like you don't enjoy their music, Jun. This is a safe space." Contrary to Yangyang’s belief, Renjun didn’t dislike their music. From what he’s heard, the music is mindless enough that it could be played as background noise and he wouldn’t be bothered by it. It would just never be his choice of music to put on voluntarily. “You're gonna love this concert because they're performers. Whether you like their music or not they're entertainers and they will blow you away." 

"Obviously, I didn't come here to be miserable. I'm going to greatly enjoy this concert at your expense." 

Renjun would have to admit, he’s quite impressed. Yangyang did not exaggerate when he said that the two were performers. He found himself unconsciously jumping and failing to sing along to the music. Even Lucas was getting into it, knowing far more lyrics than Renjun himself. Despite the array of background dancers behind them, they never seemed to lag behind them and fade away into the crowd. Even their slower songs were captivating. He’d never admit it to Yangyang but he was having fun. Maybe not the best place for a date when it wasn’t an artist that everyone in the relationship liked. 

After a quick costume change shrouded by a VCR of the two playing a silly game, the pair returns to the stage in plain black outfits covered up by a rainbow cape. Jaemin crosses the stage with grace, "Our next song is a new one. We wrote it in honor of pride month." 

Donghyuck continues, "we wrestled back and forth with revealing the true meaning of the song but in the end, we decided to be truly transparent with you guys. Our fans. Our family." 

"Both I and Haechan are bisexual. To anyone out there listening right now that has ever felt invalidated by the people around you, we want you to know that you are valid and you are loved." The earth-shattering screams that come after the announcement shake Renjun to his core. It was admirable, to say the least. There weren’t any stars that Renjun knew of around his age that were out and proud. It wasn’t until careers were fully cemented that people took the risk of coming out. It was courageous. 

“Never feel ashamed for who you are. I hope that one day we will all be able to live our truths because love is love.” Renjun swears he can see a tear roll down Haechan’s cheek on the big screen. 

The concert closes out with a bang after an encore, and Renjun feels like he’s flying on cloud nine, the adrenaline coursing through his body. He might be coated in a thin layer of sweat but Lucas holds him close as they make their way down the street to find a place to get food this late. 

“I told you guys it’d be fun. You should be thanking me.” 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Renjun react like that to a singer before,” Lucas says jovially. 

“Might also be the last. I don’t even like concerts. Too many bodies.” 

“Oh please Renjun, I saw the look of pure joy on your face. You can’t fake that.” 

Renjun rolls his eyes, “would anything still be open?” 

“It’s not too late, I’m sure we’ll find something,” Hendery reassures. It’s nearing eleven, and as far as Renjun knew the only thing they’d most likely find open and accepting of patrons were bars and clubs. But Renjun’s never been out and about in the city this late after being of age to drink. 

“You know, I knew my gaydar was correct. I just felt it the moment I saw them.” Yangyang beams with pride. “A win for non-straights everywhere.” 

“Yangyang, you were into them because you’re gay not because you thought they’d be gay.” Renjun comments. 

“It’s the same to me as far as I’m concerned.” 

  
  


**To Jenoooo:**

Yo, I'm grabbing bubble tea before heading home. You want anything? 

**From Jenoooo:**

Ooo nice. I could go for brown sugar milk tea. Half ice. You're an angel 

The whole catching Jeno sleeping with Doyoung thing surprisingly brought them together, eventually moving into an apartment together off-campus. They went through Jeno’s breakup with Doyoung together, if that could even be called a breakup. They never put an official title on their relationship despite exclusively seeing each other and doing everything else under the sun that encompassed a relationship. Doyoung called things off as his graduation approached because he’d taken a job across the country and didn’t think a long-distance relationship would work out. Jeno cried for a week straight, eating nothing but junk food and sleeping in Renjun’s bed for comfort. 

They survived Renjun’s breakup with Lucas. Jeno had come prepared with Renjun’s favorite ice cream in hand to console the newly single man but Renjun hadn’t shed a single tear. The relationship had simply run its course and that was okay. For what it was worth, they vaguely remained friends after the breakup. Now that they graduated, Jeno having taken a computer science job at a nearby company and Renjun taking a gap year to study for the medical school entrance exams it allowed them to grow close without the pressures of university. 

_“Breaking news: Archangel’s Na Jaemin to take a brief hiatus following his breakdown last month and the announcement that his groupmate Lee Donghyuck also known as Haechan was announced to be debuting solo.”_

Renjun's head flicks up to the TV where the news is coming from. Yangyang would surely call him any moment now with the news. He didn't envy celebrities one bit, he might even pity them just a little. The pressure to be perfect bubbling over into a breakdown only to be subjected to rumors speculating the cause. The countless rumors Yangyang told him about from illicit drug use to an affair, he couldn't believe his ears. 

_“You may recall that during a fan meeting the beloved star burst into tears after facing countless malicious articles. Since then, his social media has been inactive in addition to the official Archangel accounts. Haechan is slated to begin his solo activities in three weeks while Na Jaemin plans to focus on resting.”_

“Order 84 for Renjun.” 

"Sorry for being late. I was halfway there when I noticed I left my book behind." Renjun apologizes to his coworker the moment the little bell dings upon his entrance. Xiaojun already packed up to head out for the day, his shift technically having ended twenty minutes ago. He's worked at the bookstore for almost two years now having met the owner through Lucas. He loved this job way more than his last one at a sandwich shop. It was quiet enough that he got to study during his shifts without being scolded. The owner, Kun, also ran the cafe next door which meant that he got a lot of perks. 

"Don't worry about it Renjun." During the school year they usually had more help around the store but with the school session being out it was usually just Xiaojun and him switching. 

"Anything I should know about for the day?"

"Kun left some food in the back so make sure you eat and take the rest home at the end of the day." 

"Anything else?" 

Xiaojun leans in close to whisper, "This guy has been in here since the morning and hasn’t moved once.”

“Is that supposed to be weird?” People sat in there all the time. It provided a quieter alternative to the cafe next door. He’s seen people fall asleep here all day. It was never really much of an issue for them because they didn’t lose any money from them taking up space. 

“No, not really. But he’s like a statue that only moves to flip the pages of his book.”

"Well then, I hope it's a good book then."

"Nope, it's a shitty Shakespeare tragedy. I can't imagine someone reading those books without force. Like his comedies are pretty decent but everyone seems to hang onto his tragedies are the pinnacle of time."

Renjun laughs at Xiaojun's utter disgust, "I didn't know that you felt personally victimized by William Shakespeare."

"I read four Shakespeare tragedies throughout high school. Do you know what that means? Four years of having the worst actors in our class read that man's literature like they're the greatest gift to mankind. That is the true tragedy." 

"Sounds absolutely torturous."

"I'm gonna head out."

"See you around." 

"Excuse me," the sudden noise startles him. He hadn't even heard the man approach the counter. What was he a ghost? Looking up at him he kind of looks like he jumped straight out of the movie The Ring. Pitch black box dyed hair with a fringe so long that it practically covers his eyes completely. What they didn't hide though was the dark circles settled underneath his eyes. "Do you happen to have the time?"

"Do you not have a phone?" Are the first words that slip out of his mouth. 

"I do but it's not on me right now."

"Sorry, that was rude. It happens when I break my concentration too quickly." 

"I shouldn't have scared you. Sorry."

"It's nearing five." 

"Oh. I should get going then. Can I buy this book?" 

"Do you like Shakespeare?" 

"Uh no, not really. I just picked a book from the shelves and ended up with this. It could have been worse I guess." 

"It'll be eight dollars." 

"Have a good evening." He throws on a hat and sunglasses before embarking out the door. 

"Good morning, Renjun. How was your evening?" Kun is tidying around the shop when Renjun arrives the next morning. 

“It was fine. Jeno made dinner. I took the snacks that you left out home so we're stocked up for days." 

"Jeno made you dinner? How domestic. When's the wedding?"

Renjun rolls his eyes. It certainly isn't the first time that someone assumed that he and Jeno were dating. One too many old ladies at the grocery store said that they made a handsome couple. It was different coming from his friends that knew there was nothing more. "How many times do I have to tell you that there's nothing romantic going on between Jeno and I before you believe me?"

"When you guys stop being so domestic. You're more coupley than the actual couples that I know." 

"It's called a good friendship. Besides Jeno is seeing someone right now." 

"So you're admitting that if he wasn’t seeing someone right now that the two of you would have the potential to become something?" If Kun wasn't his boss, surely Renjun would have strangled him by now. 

"No! I literally set him up with that person. If we were going to be together at any point during the last four years would have been a great time." The thought never even crossed his mind the entire time he's known Jeno. 

"From my understanding, there was never a timing for that. He had Doyoung then you had Yukhei. And now that you don't have Yukhei, you have your MCAT to study for and he sort of has this mystery guy." 

Renjun's mouth hangs open, baffled. "I was supposed to be the person into conspiracy theories but you're honestly giving me a run for my money." 

"Ha ha ha. I'll be next door if you need me."

Almost an hour after they open, the same man from yesterday shows up. This time it doesn't make him jump out of his skin, the little bell at the top of the door coming in handy. He offers the generic greeting that he gives anyone receiving a smile and a good morning in exchange. He watches the man stroll to a bookshelf without much thought, plucking a book off of it without so much as looking at the title before heading to the same seat as yesterday. Peculiar. 

Renjun packs up the orders they have for the day before breaking out his study materials. He sighs thinking of the work ahead of him. 

"Hey, do you mind if I play music?" 

“It’s your store?”

“But you’re the customer. You know, the customer is always right, and all of that.” 

"Go ahead." 

“Let me know if it’s too loud," He says, putting his study playlist on shuffle. After that, he loses track of time. It's incredibly easy for the hours to pass him by when he gets into the zone. When he's not busy being upset with himself at the lack of comprehension of some sections, the time can go by with minimal pain. 

"Hi, can I check out?" He isn't sure how many hours have passed by the time the patron comes to the counter. 

"Yeah, sure. Frankenstein this time? It's like you're going through every high school student's horror story." Renjun didn't mind Frankenstein too much. It was one of the very few books they read written by a woman so he couldn't hate on it too much. 

"I guess that's where fate is leading me." 

"Did you like the book? I didn't think it was that bad when I read it back in the day. It's a classic."

"The overall social commentary is nice. I'm not quite sure high school students would have appreciated the messages in it without prompting." 

"I can assure you no one in my class cared enough. That'll be six dollars." 

"Have a good night." 

He returns to the apartment to find Jaehyun pacing around the living room. He's so lost in his movements that he doesn't even register Jaemin coming back. The wave of relief that washes over Jaehyun's face when he sees Jaemin, has the younger man feeling guilty. 

"Can you please stop going off on your own without your phone?" Jaemin can feel the frustration bleeding off of every word. 

Jaemin crosses over into the living room, taking a seat on the couch, "I'm not a kid, Jaehyun." The indignant statement probably works against him in this case. To him, the worst consequence of his breakdown is that everyone around him began to treat him like he was fragile, where one wrong move would send him into a tailspin. He couldn't take the pity-filled looks that he got from his management or his best friend so he ran. 

"I know that but your mom trusted me to look after you and I just worry about you." He couldn't go home. Stalker fans figured out where his parents lived quickly in his career. It was no longer the place of refuge he attributed it to be during his trainee years. That's how he ended up at Jaehyun's house, his older cousin.

"I'm not going to off myself, Jaehyun." He says out loud what he knew everyone was truly afraid of. He understands the concern, there were faint scars on his body to prove it. But he hasn't been in that place since his trainee days, a lot of his anxieties back then dissolving when he debuted. Of course, other anxieties came with being in the limelight, however, none of those came close to being a trainee. 

"I know." 

"I can't keep my phone with me. I get compelled to look up articles and I just can't handle that right now." The habit is a result of the constant monitoring of one's public image. He didn't want to read what people had to say. False rumors were a part of life, his company warned them before they debuted. 

"I understand." Jaehyun sighs, taking a seat opposite of him. "Donghyuck called for you." 

"I don't want to talk to him right now." For the few weeks between his public breakdown and him skipping town, Jaemin locked himself up in his room, only leaving for food. Shunning his best friend was never something he thought he'd resort to. They were all each other had to rely on for years. A bond-forming that would be hard to break. But here Jaemin was tearing away at that infrastructure that they worked so hard to build. 

"This isn't his fault." 

He snaps, "It isn't my fault either! I just need some time, okay?" 

"He's worried about you." Everyone is. He couldn't blame them. 

"He should worry about his debut. I can't be a burden to him even when I'm not there." Donghyuck envisioned becoming a solo artist for as long as Jaemin could remember, their duo just being a stepping stone to get there in the same way that Jaemin used it for acting. Jaemin was always dragging the group down, holding Donghyuck back. 

"You're not a burden, Jaemin." 

"I upturned your entire life by being here. Your boyfriend can't even come over as often." 

"Jaemin, I love having you here. Although, I wish it was under better circumstances. It's like old times when we were kids." 

"Right." He trails off with a bitter chuckle. 

"Maybe we can look into getting you a shitty flip phone or something. I can still get in contact with you and there won't be any internet to look yourself up?" Jaehyun offers. 

"Yeah, maybe. Thanks." Jaemin forces a small smile.

"Where were you all day anyway?" 

"Bookstore." Jaemin waves his recent purchase in the air. 

"I didn't know that you liked to read." 

"I don’t. Or at least I thought I didn't. But it's quiet and secluded."

"That's nice. I'm happy you've found somewhere you like. I was scared that you wouldn't like the suburbs too much."

"I'm not that much out of touch." Jaemin laughs. 

"Is there anything you want for dinner?" 

"Whatever you want. Is Johnny coming?" 

"Uh, no." 

"Your boyfriend is allowed to come here, you know. It isn't fair to push him away because I'm here." 

"I'm not pushing him away. I just think it's best if we focus on you for a while." 

"And I think it would be best if people would stop treating me like Na Jaemin the damaged star and start looking at me as Na Jaemin, a person. So invite Johnny over and tell him to bring dinner with him."

Less than an hour, Johnny comes over with Thai food in hand. It's a little more awkward than Jaemin is used to. The star in him itches to fill the void. 

"So what do you do, Johnny?" 

“I teach biology to high school students.”

“Oh, that’s cool.” 

“A lot of the students in my class like you.” 

“Hm,” Jaemin hums, “maybe they shouldn’t. If you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit of a mess.” 

“Who isn’t? You might be feeling pretty low right now, but it isn’t about the low point it’s about how you bounce back from them.” Johnny starts. “You may not feel like much right now but when you came out, at least five of my students that year came out because you had the courage. I didn’t have anyone that told me it was okay to be bisexual and you guys are doing that for people. So when you bounce back from this, because if you’re anything like Jaehyun your resilience is out of this world, remember that despite your ups and down it doesn’t negate your ups.” 

“Johnny.” Jaehyun pokes at his boyfriend’s side.

"What? I'm only saying the truth." 

"How long have you guys been dating again?" Jaemin looks between the two. 

"Almost six years?"

Jaemin hums, "you guys are cute together. Sorry for barging in."

"Seriously stop apologizing, Jaem. It makes me feel guilty." 

"I'm going to go lay down. Enjoy some time that you haven't had together in the last week that I've been here " Jaemin gets up to make his exit.

"You don't have to do that." 

"Good night. And come by more often."

  
  


"Do you ever eat?” The question catches Jaemin by surprise. He looks up to find the store clerk standing above him. “For the last two weeks that you’ve come here, I’ve never seen you eat a thing and you stay here longer than me sometimes. Don’t you get hungry?” 

"I got used to it?" He offers weakly. Busy schedules often left him running on nothing, Haechan starting the habit of carrying snacks with him whenever he went. 

"You shouldn't be. If you're hungry you should eat." The clerk nudges the snack forward, "it's a sandwich and a drink from our Café next door."

Jaemin narrows his eyes at the employee, "I can't accept this." He was foolish to think that a poor dye job, a hat, and a face mask could completely conceal his identity.

"It's not special treatment for being the only regular customer in the store for the last few weeks. The owner leaves too much food for us to snack on during the day and I can only take so much to bring back to my roommate."

"Oh." 

"Just accept it and say thank you. No, take backs." 

"Thank you." 

"Kun is a very good cook so I assure you that it's good, if not I'll be embarrassed so please enjoy it." 

"I will." 

"Sorry for interrupting your reading. I'll leave you to it.' 

Like clockwork, Jaemin approaches the counter at the end of the day to purchase the book. 

"Was this book a good one?" 

"Not really. Have you read it?" Jaemin plucked some shitty young adult novel off the shelf. The type of book that was so bad that it'd be hard to put down in the moment but Jaemin had no intention of reading the other books in the series. 

"No. I don't even remember the last time I read books for fun. All I do is suffer through the textbooks and now review books." The clerk lifts his book as evidence. 

"It's bad so I don't recommend it."

The clerk laughs, "I'll keep that in mind for after medical school." He slides the book back in Jaemin's direction. "Are you a student in the area? There normally aren't many students around during the summers." 

“Oh no. I’m visiting family for a while.” 

"That's cool. Hopefully, the suburbs don't bore you too much." 

"It's a change of pace but I can't say that I mind too much." 

"That's good. Welcome to the town! I'm Renjun, by the way." 

"Jae." 

"Nice to meet you. Hope you enjoy the rest of your day." 

  
  


The heavy thud that follows Renjun opening the apartment door tells him that he should be expecting to see something he'd rather not. 

"Don't mind me. I just have to grab something in the kitchen and I'll be out of your hair." Renjun makes a beeline to the kitchen, trying to avoid whatever was transpiring in the living room. Jeno's sitting on the ground, probably the result of him jumping off of Chenle. Chenle is splayed on the couch, his clothes and hair a bit disheveled. Renjun suspects that if he walked in just ten minutes later, he would have been met with an eyeful of Chenle's ass and that's not something he quite wants to see.

"Renjun! I'm sorry!" Jeno calls after him. Not even a minute later, here's prancing into the kitchen with Chenle trailing closely behind. 

"You shouldn’t have let me interrupt." Renjun grabs his leftovers, popping it in the microwave.

"I'm sorry this keeps happening." Jeno looks like he wants to shrink in embarrassment. _This_ doesn't happen too often, Renjun catching Jeno in the middle of an intimate moment, it's maybe only happened five times maximum. But every time it's happened, Jeno can barely meet his eyes for a couple of days afterward.

"Listen, I won't kink shame you if you're an exhibitionist." 

Jeno's ears glow red before he protests with a stutter, "I'm not an exhibitionist." 

Chenle snakes his arms around Jeno's waist, pulling the other man close so that he's able to rest his chin on Jeno's shoulder. "If you were into exhibitionism you could have just told me, Jen." The younger punctuates his words with a kiss on Jeno's neck. 

The action serves to fluster Jeno even more, pushing the younger off of him. "I'm not!" 

"Don't sweat it, dude. Is Chenle staying over tonight?"

"Am I staying over tonight, Jeno?" Chenle pulls the other man closer again, this time with innocent intentions. 

"If you want to?" Jeno usually stays over at Chenle's apartment. The younger man lived alone so it was more convenient for whatever the pair could get up to. 

"Please don't fuck late into the night if you do. Our neighbors wouldn't like that very much." Chenle chuckles at Renjun's words. 

Jeno pales, “have the neighbors said something before?’

“No Jeno. I’m poking fun at you. I’d yell at you before the neighbors would.” 

“Stop bullying my boyfriend, Renjun.” Chenle whines.

The word takes Renjun by surprise. That's a new development. "So you two are official then?" Renjun wondered when the two would stop avoiding labels for whatever they were. It's been almost two months since Renjun introduced the pair and they've been inseparable save for the time that they both needed to work. They were cute. Renjun's lucky they worked out because it'd be disastrous if he hooked up his friends from two of his circles only for that to fall apart later.

"Yeah. Chenle asked a couple of days ago." Jeno confirms, a bit shy.

"Four days ago to be exact," Chenle says with pride.

"And I'm just finding out about this now? How rude. I didn't introduce you two for nothing." Renjun grabs his cheese ravioli from the microwave.

"Well, you're the first person to have found out from me, if that means anything." Jeno offers as a consolation.

"I'm happy for you two. And if you get married be sure to thank me and name your firstborn after me." Jeno deserves someone that puts him at the center of their world and Chenle was willing to offer him the stars in the sky if he were to ask. For Chenle, Jeno helped to ground him. Remind him that everything didn't revolve around money and connections. That it was the smaller things in life as opposed to extravagant displays of affection. They were good for each other, better than Renjun had originally assumed.

"When are you going to get back to dating anyway? I can set you with someone." The last thing Renjun needed was for others to meddle into his love life, non-existent love life. He wasn't opposed to the idea of someone setting him up when he was open to the idea, after all that was how he met his first love, but Renjun wasn't looking for anything. He needed to pass his entrance exams and then he could think about romance.

"One of your super-rich trust fund baby friends? I think I'll pass Chenle." Chenle for lack of better words was loaded. His father is a CFO in some Fortune 500 company with some side businesses that Chenle could one day inherit if he wanted to. They originally met at some event hosted by Chenle's school's Chinese Student Association. Chenle originally intended to hide his identity but it was difficult to do that considering that designer clothing was his norm and being chauffeured around was expected. Even still, he never held that over anyone, in fact, it almost made him uncomfortable if people tried to pry into his life.

"What's wrong with being a trust fund baby? I think I turned out okay." Chenle pouts. For better or for worse, Chenle did turn out somewhat level headed. Although he was the type to spend money as if it meant nothing to him, which Renjun supposes that it doesn't mean much at all considering the black card he carries around. He liked to spend money on his friends because it made him happy to see the people around him be happy. And Chenle was ever so trusting, causing his kindness to be taken for granted. 

"That's because you're so rich that you're kind of dumb. Like it surprising to you how other people have grown up so you're humbled and you work hard despite your name."

"Do you think that too babe?" Chenle pouts.

"The first time you took me on a date was to one of the most expensive restaurants in the city. I can't match that." Renjun remembers the hours before their first date that Jeno spent stressing about what to wear and how to style his hair to match Chenle. It was a source of insecurity that lingered in the back of his head but Jeno was working through it with constant reassurance from Chenle.

"I don't want you to match that. I just want you."

"If you're going to start being mushy, I'll take that as my cue to leave."

It's not Renjun's fault that he was drooling, dozing off on his study materials. Pharmacology just happened to be an exceedingly boring topic. It's The shuffling of stuff on the counter that snaps him back awake. 

"It's an iced coffee. You keep falling asleep while studying." Renjun can't see any more of Jae's facial expressions beyond his eyes, the mask shielding anything that can help Renjun read him more. "I didn't know if you liked sugar or creamer so I got them on the side. Think of it as a thank you for the food the other day."

"You didn't have to. I can get them for free next door." Renjun admits that it was thoughtful, albeit unnecessary. 

"You can just say thank you, you know?"

"Uh thank you. You didn't have to. You were doing me more of a favor by accepting it than the other way around."

"Then consider us even in terms of kindness."

"I'll probably stop napping while studying when studying stops being fucking boring."

"Why are you studying for the MCAT then? That's like a guaranteed eight to ten more years studying."

"I want to help people."

"And you can't help people doing anything else."

Renjun hums, "sure I can. However, I want to help people that way." 

"It's admirable."

"And what do you do considering you want to be condescending?" 

"Nothing. I'm floating around." 

"I get that. Nothing to be ashamed of. We all find our way eventually." 

"Right. I'll leave you to get back to studying." 

  
  


Jaemin lays on his bed staring up at the ceiling. He does that a lot these days, stare aimlessly. It's the easiest way to focus on something without having to think too hard. He's been good at avoiding looking himself up online, the result of avoiding his phone altogether. His manager calls him a few times a day, Jaemin doesn't listen to any of the messages he leaves. An unnecessary stressor as he takes time to "heal." Donghyuck stopped calling to check up on him every day. Jaemin supposes that's the result of being ignored for a few weeks. Even the ever so determined Lee Donghyuck knew when to give up. 

A knock on the door followed by Jaehyun popping his head in, "Jaemin, anything you want for dinner?" 

"Whatever you're craving." 

"Everything alright?" 

Jaemin hums. He wants to be snarky and throw out a “ _what do you think? My life imploded_.” Jaehyun doesn't deserve that though no matter what his internal angst says. "No, not really. What do you think about pizza?" 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jaehyun asks hesitantly.

"No. Not really." 

The older man nods not pushing the topic further, "Pizza it is. I'll order now. Should be here in about thirty seconds." Jaehyun leaves him to himself. 

His phone vibrates. Jaemin reached over to see who's calling. _Dynamic Duo._ Donghyuck. 

"Hello?" 

"Oh. I'm surprised that you answered." Donghyuck says softly. "I'm happy you answered." Another pause. "I miss you." 

"I miss you too," Jaemin says because he does. It's strange not having the one person that's been a constant in his life for nearly a decade not be around.

"It's weird being in the practice room without you." Jaemin can hear the shake in the other's voice. Confidence practically oozed out of Donghyuck's pores without even trying. He was born to be a star. "My debut is tomorrow." 

"You're going to do great, Hyuck." 

"I just," Donghyuck pauses, "I miss you." The three words convey a lot. "How are you?" 

"I've been better." 

"I should've been there for you better, Jaemin." 

"This isn't your fault, Hyuck." The last thing he needed was his best friend blaming himself for the circumstances that Jaemin found himself in. He already felt an immense amount of guilt for upheaving the lives of those around him, he didn’t need any additional shame added onto that because his loved one’s blamed themselves. 

"I was so focused on myself and my debut that I didn't even notice that you were having difficulties. What kind of best friend does that make me?" His friend rambles on. 

"Donghyuck."

"You've always been there for me unconditionally. You are the entire reason I'm debuting solo in the first place. And I can't even offer you the same support when you need it the most." 

"Donghyuck." Jaemin repeats. 

"Everyone has always been harder on you. I should have done more to protect you. I should have defended you. I should have—" 

"Donghyuck!" Jaemin snaps, the only way that would break Donghyuck out of his trance. "Just stop, okay? You did the best you could given what I chose to confide in you. You are my brother and I've never doubted that for a second. So what you're going to do is stop worrying about me and destroy that debut stage tomorrow because I know that you're completely capable and I'll be watching you from here cheering you on as your biggest fan." 

"You're too kind to me." 

"No, you need to be kinder to yourself." It’s a nasty habit Donghyuck picked up over the years. Being too critical of himself. 

Donghyuck breathes out heavily before he says, "clearly I'm panicking just a little." 

"Why? I know you've worked so hard for this and your song is amazing." The album was in the works for months. Even the preparation of the choreography started before Jaemin’s incident. 

"I don't know. Everyone is expecting a lot out of me from the company to the fans to my family. If I fail, it's because of me and solely rests on me. I don't even think I was this nervous when we debuted." 

"You won't fail because you're you. Not because you're Haechan but because you're Lee Donghyuck and wherever Lee Donghyuck goes the light follows him." 

Donghyuck chuckles. Knowing him, he was probably crying right now. "I wish you were here." 

"You could have run away with me." Jaemin jokes, trying to lighten the mood. 

"It's not too late. I can bail right now." He does not doubt that Donghyuck would, even to the detriment of his career. 

"And have everyone accuse you of being as fucked up as me? At least one of us needs a good reputation with the general public." 

"You know, I don't even remember a time where we've been away from each other longer than a week.” Donghyuck ponders, “It feels weird and the dorm feels so empty."

Jaemin agrees, "We've always had each other haven't we?" 

"There wouldn't be anyone else I'd rather have by my side on this journey." 

"Remember when you used to hate me when we first got to the company?" Jaemin chuckles at the memory. Donghyuck had run up to him in the cafeteria to let Jaemin know that fact to his face. It was shocking, to say the least, and had Jaemin reacted like most others would in a similar situation he would have started disliking Donghyuck. But his endless need to be liked drove him to pester Donghyuck until the tides turned. 

"I think I was just jealous of you. Like you were cast because you were such a pretty golden boy and I had to claw my way into the company." Donghyuck auditioned three times at their company before they gave him a shot. Maybe it was his determination that drove them to give him a chance because he had the talent to show for it even back then. 

"And now you're their golden boy, so everything works out in time." 

Another pause. "You'll be back right?" 

"Of course Hyuck. I would never leave you for good." Not on purpose anyway. He couldn’t control what his company wanted to do.

"Manager hyung is worried about you." 

Jaemin hums, "if his constant phone calls are any indication, I know. You can tell him I'm doing okay. Or maybe not, he'll probably get jealous that I answered your call."

"I wasn't expecting you to pick up," Donghyuck admits. "I was probably going to rattle off to your voice-mail." 

"I couldn't leave you hanging with your debut tomorrow." 

"Thank you. Really." 

"There's nothing to thank me for 

"What have you been up to?" 

"Reading mostly. I bought a bike so I've been getting around using that." 

"Na Jaemin reading anything besides a script? I never thought I'd see the day." 

"It's a little bit of an escape." 

"Jaem, the pizza is here!" Jaehyun calls from the living room. 

"Is that Jaehyun?"

"Yeah, I have to go." 

"Right." 

"Kill that stage tomorrow, Hyuck." 

"I'll try. Have a good night."

"You too." 

“Be sure to thank me when you win first place! Love you Hyuck.” 

“Love you too.” 

Jaemin leaves his phone on the bed then heads into the kitchen. 

"Please tell me that you were just talking to yourself for the last half hour because if this place happens to be haunted I still have half a year on the lease." Jaehyun jokes, handing him a plate. 

Jaemin laughs, "no, I was on the phone with Donghyuck." 

"Oh, that's a better option all around. His solo debut is tomorrow, right? He must be nervous." 

"Yeah," Jaemin trails off hesitating for a moment before asking, "Do you think that I'm running away?" 

"Running away from what?" 

Jaemin shrugs, "I don't know. Reality?" His company encouraged him to lay low, not to take an official hiatus. It was his idea to come here, to get away from everything. It was an easier option to leave momentarily than to face things directly. 

Jaehyun hums, "we all deserve time to get away and recover from the stressors of life. But eventually, we need to face our problems head-on, don't we? They don't just disappear if you ignore them." 

Well, that was a nice way to put it. Wrapped up nicely with a crisp little bow. "I suppose so."

"And when you are ready to face it, there's a bunch of people that want to support you through it, including me." 

"Thanks.”

  
  


“So Jaemin, what have you been up to since the last time we spoke?” Is the first thing his therapist asks after the video call connects. The lighting in his room is shitty, he left the blinds drawn on purpose so that the therapist wouldn’t be able to see the dark circles under her eyes. It isn’t his first time in therapy but it is only his second time with this specific person and there’s a natural guard up that took him years to shake off with his previous doctor. His last therapist is relocating to a different country and recommended this one as a replacement. 

Jaemin hums, “mostly just reading. I spoke with Donghyuck over the phone the other day.” 

They nod, “That’s good. Have you found any books that you liked? And how did the call go?” 

“They’re okay. I’m choosing books aimlessly so it’s not like I continue a series after I start it. I read a Shakespeare play, not as good as people like to say they are. But it’s a good distraction.” 

“The call with Donghyuck, how’d it go?” The therapist circles back.

“What do you want me to say? That I got off a call with my best friend after he blamed himself for my predicament and I cried myself to sleep that night? What does admitting that do for me?”

“I’ll help you understand what you’re feeling better.” 

“I’m trying not to feel anything, remember? That’s the whole reason I’m distracting myself with reading. That’s what you said in our first session, right?" 

"Right, that is what I said last week. What do you think about when you're not reading?" 

"On the best days, hopefully, nothing. On the worst of days, everything. So we try to avoid those days." 

She hums, "have you made any friends while you've been there?" 

"I think that I'll need you to define what friendship means because it appears that the definition I had prior was convoluted." The people who we considered friends before, some of the very people that were partially responsible for him being here right now, didn't even reach out to him to see if he was okay. 

"Someone that looks out for you without expecting anything in return." 

"Other than my cousin's boyfriend, maybe not." He likes Johnny though, he can tell why his cousin is so smitten by him. He filled the air with laughter when things were awkward, a quality that neither Jaehyun nor Jaemin possessed. He sends Jaemin messages sometimes and pictures of dogs and memes so by his definition that’s a friend. 

"That's a start though, isn't it?" 

"I guess. Isn't it sort of out of obligation? You know schmooze over the family so that he can one day ask for his hand in marriage." 

"Is that how you think friendship has cultivated around you? With the ultimate goal of using you for personal gain?" 

"I'd like to say no but these days I'm having doubts."

"You should think about that."

"Should implies a suggestion that I can kindly refuse to acknowledge."

"True. I'm not here to force you to do anything that you're uncomfortable with Jaemin. This is at your pace." 

"Shouldn't the hour be about over by now?" 

"Same time next week, Jaemin?" 

  
  


"The café is having an event at the end of the week. You should come." It's part of Renjun's job to promote events Kun hosted next door. Not that many people were coming into the store. They made most of their money renting textbooks to college students at a cheaper price than the nearby colleges. "It's like a paint and sip night. One of Kun's friends from the city is coming to teach the class this time around. From what I've seen, he's really good so it should be fun." 

"How many people usually show up?" Jaemin couldn't take the risk of being noticed. 

"Not many. Maybe like ten people. To be honest, I think it's just an excuse for Kun to throw something and gather his friends together because we're the only people that tend to show up." 

"Oh." 

"Have you met Kun?" 

"Other than the times that he's here briefly to check on things, no. I haven't been to the café." 

Renjun gasps, "Now's the perfect opportunity because the treats will be free."

"I'll think about it." Jaemin stuff the flyer into the cover of the newly purchased book.

That’s how Jaemin finds himself in the corner of the cafe awkwardly coddling a drink. Renjun is nowhere to be seen when he arrives and Jaemin has no idea what to do with himself. He could introduce himself to the few people that were here chattering among themselves but that’s not why Jaemin came here, to make friends. 

He hears Renjun’s voice before he catches a glimpse of him. The man emerges from the back room with Kun, trays of snacks in hand. He doesn’t notice Jaemin until after he's set the tray down on the counter and takes one last look at the setup. 

Renjun's face blossoms into a smile when he spots him, "Jae, you made it!" Renjun beckons his out of his corner. "I'm happy you made it. Let me introduce you to everyone."

"Kun! Meet Jae. The person single-handedly keeping your in-store book sales alive." Kun approaches with a welcoming smile. "See Kun, I did my job and promoted your event just like you asked and even got someone to come." 

"I guess I should be thanking you for keeping our Renjun here company and making sure he doesn't sleep on the job.” 

Renjun scoffs, “that doesn’t happen as much as you seem to think it does.” 

“The fact that it happens at all is the problem, Jun. You’re lucky I love you.” 

“‘Ah Xiaojun! Come here.” Renjun calls the next person over. Jaemin recognizes the man from his days at the bookstore but he’s never gotten his name before. “This is Jae. He’s the one that sits in the store and reads almost every day.”

“Oh, hi, nice to meet you. Sorry for calling you creepy book boy in my head all this time. In my defense, You never really show your face when I work, so as far as I was concerned the image fit.” Xiaojun says. 

Renjun digs an elbow into Xiaojun’s side, “just because you’re allowed to say whatever is on your mind, it doesn’t mean that you should.”

“I’m sorry for freaking you out.” Jaemin chuckles awkwardly.

“Xiaojun is exaggerating. Don’t mind him.”

“Well if you’re here for the art, my friend is running a little bit late so I apologize for that. If you’re here for the food, help yourself. In the meantime, go ahead and mingle.” 

“Let me introduce you to the rest of the guys.” Renjun moves him to the rest of the guys, busy talking among themselves. “Hey, guys. So this is, Jeno my roommate, he’s nice most of the time. That’s Chenle, Jeno’s boyfriend and my friend, he’s a little annoying but that’s okay. And this is Lucas, my other friend. Jeno, Lucas, and I have known each other since college.”

“And this is?” Chenle asks, a smirk playing on his lips. Renjun hates the smug look on the man’s face, he knew exactly what Chenle intended to imply by it. Acknowledging it would only fuel Chenle’s fire more and Renjun couldn’t afford that. He didn’t want Jae to feel any more awkward than he most likely already felt. 

“Jae, he comes to the bookstore a lot.” 

“Nice to meet you all.”

“Are you new to the area?” Jeno asks. 

“Yeah, just visiting some family for a while.” The trio hums, suspicious of Jaemin’s words. Jaemin doesn’t blame them either. If Donghyuck had introduced him to some random person, he too would be suspicious of them. 

“Are you enjoying your time here?”

“I’m mostly just reading and spending time with my cousin.”

“Oh.” Lucas nods. 

"Are you from the city then?" 

"Yeah." 

"What do you do?" 

"Nothing right now. I'm between jobs." 

"Oh." They try not to let their judgment seep through their words but Jaemin can tell well enough what kind of impression he gives off with his persona. 

"I know it sounds bad but I'm just taking some time off because I wasn't completely happy at my last job." 

"I hear you. Everyone needs a break now and then."

"Are you any good at this art stuff?" 

"No, actually I'm pretty terrible at drawing in all mediums." 

"Join the club. The only person that's good at this stuff is Renjun."

"I'm not that good." Renjun rolls his eyes in denial. 

"He's being modest. Don't listen to him." 

The friends remind him a lot of himself and Donghyuck. The constant playful bickering. The sometimes unexpected sexual innuendo that sends them doubling over in laughter. Maybe he’ll give Donghyuck a call later. 

“Ten!” The name forces Jaemin to take a pause. His heart stops thumping in his heart for a moment. There was only one person that he knew with the name. It wasn’t common enough that it could just be a mere coincidence. “If you were busy earlier in the day I could have postponed.” 

“And miss spending a weekend with you? Never.” The shrill voice confirms his suspicions. Jaemin doesn’t realize his hands are shaking until the empty mug in his hand slips from his grasp, falling to the floor with a crash. 

Their eyes meet briefly across the room before Jaemin stutters out an, “I’m sorry,” kneeling to clean the mess he’s caused. 

“Hey, hey, hey, move back!” Renjun scolds, “We can clean it up.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t worry about it. I promise you that one broken mug won’t send Kun into bankruptcy.” Renjun reassures him with a smile. “Let’s just get you set up at a station. We’ll take care of it.” 

Jaemin can’t tell if Ten can’t recognize him underneath the heavy black fringe. It’s not a very good disguise without the addition of a hat or a mask, anyone that knew him on a personal level would be able to identify him almost immediately. Ten’s worked with Arcangel closely the past three years, serving as their main choreographer for their comebacks. He would be able to spot Jaemin easily but instead, the man chooses to carry on with his class as if he doesn’t recognize Jaemin. 

And Jaemin thinks that he’s in the clear, that is until they’re packing up for the night and Ten slides into Jaemin’s space. “I would have never expected to see you here. Jae? Is that what you’re going by while you’re here?” His tone is hushed, assuring that no one else would be privy to their discussion. 

Jaemin didn’t have anyone else to turn to if Ten was going to tell everyone where he was. He couldn’t go stay with his parents, people knew where they lived and their restaurant, and he’d never get a moment of peace. He had a money-hungry aunt that always asked for his autograph so that she could sell it for a profit, surely she would sell him out the second she was able to. The people he considered friends wouldn’t take him in. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“I can see the gears churning in your head, Jaemin. I'm not going to expose you. I've been worried about you, you know." 

"Then why didn't you send me a message if you were so concerned?" 

"Donghyuck told me that you weren't responding to him and therefore not responding to anyone. Figured you needed space." Jaemin can't blame him for thinking that way, it was fairly logical no matter which angle he thought about it. Still, part of Jaemin wished that he had reached out even if that meant his messages were left unanswered. "How'd you end up here?" 

"My cousin lives in the area. How do you know Kun?" 

"An old friend. We kind of date." Ten shrugs. "How have you been doing?"

"I don't know."

"That's fair. It's hard to know how you're feeling when you spend most of your life on a high." 

"You know I don't do drugs, right?" It was one of the rumors that swirled around him before he ended up here. Falling off of the face of the earth probably didn't help his case either. 

"I wasn't insinuating that. The feeling that you get after you perform with thousands of fans screaming your name in adoration has the same effect. Same with the crash down." 

"Right." 

"Listen, you may have gotten entangled with the wrong crowd but you're young, it's okay to make mistakes. If you ever need to talk, I'm there when you're ready."

"Thanks."

"You know you're not too bad at this whole painting thing. Not as bad as Lucas at least." Ten makes note of his canvas.

"This sort of art isn't really my forte." 

"We can't all be multi-talented like me." The joke makes Jaemin laugh. "Take care of yourself, Jaemin." 

"You too." 

"Hey, thanks for coming Jae." Renjun approaches him as the night comes to an end. 

"Thanks for inviting me I guess even though you were kind of obligated to." 

"Doesn't make the invitation any less sincere. I hope you had fun at least." 

"Yeah, it was fun. Your friends are funny." 

"They're a pain in the ass but I love them I guess. Do you need a ride? Chenle's chauffeur is taking most of us back." 

"It's okay, I'll just call my cousin to come to pick me up." 

"Oh come on. The chauffeur is already here, no need to bother your cousin. Chenle won't mind." 

"Okay." 

Apparently being in closer proximity caused things to be even more awkward. Jeno and Chenle couldn't keep their hands off of each other. They were sweet, a little bit vomit-inducing, but cute nonetheless. 

"Can you guys not touch each other for like two seconds? Jae isn't used to y'all being all touchy." 

"Sorry." Jeno apologizes, going red in the face. 

"Don't worry too much about me, I've seen worse." He's participated in worse, courtesy of those friends he won't be talking to ever again. "Besides, you guys are doing me a favor." 

"Doesn't mean they have the right to name you uncomfortable." 

"I'm not uncomfortable." 

"Maybe stop speaking for him, Renjun." 

"You guys are cute in the gross honeymoon phase kind of way."

"See! I say the same." 

"Don't be jealous, Renjun." Chenle jests, Renjun fake gags. 

The car rolls to a stop in front of Jaehyun's apartment complex. "Uh, thanks for the ride." 

"No problem. We'll see you around, yeah?" 

"Sure." Jaemin agrees without putting much thought into it. 

_I'm serious about the reaching out thing, Jaem. I'm here for you._

_Ten xoxo_

  
  


"I'm sorry about my friends the other night." Renjun apologizes the next time he sees Jae. It’s the Monday following the event, Jae having not shown the fast two days not that Renjun took notice of it or anything. He would hate to have been the cause of Jae losing a space of comfort just because his friends couldn’t establish boundaries with people they just met. As much as he loved his friends, when they tried their hardest they could truly be embarrassing."I know you said that they didn't make you uncomfortable and I hope that's true." 

"They were fine, I promise." Jae smiles softly in a way that wasn’t truly assuring to Renjun but he was forced to believe him. 

"Great, I was a little anxious." A small smile forms on his lips. “Did you have fun?” 

“Yeah, probably the most fun I've had since I've been in town. Your friends are really funny." Jae relaxes in his chair, leaning back so that he’s able to get a better look at Renjun without straining his neck. Renjun’s never noticed before but the dark circles under Jae’s eyes are pronounced, even more so than his own, a product of long nights. 

"Really? What have you been doing all this time? I know we aren't the city but the suburbs have some charm." When Renjun first moved to the town for college, he too was not very excited about the setting. He chose his school strictly based on the prestige of the biomedical engineering major without taking the setting into account. It was nothing like back home, where the city was bustling with people and with something to do on every corner. But there were a few things that he would have never been able to experience had he never moved to the town. 

"I don't know anyone in town other than my cousin and his boyfriend." 

"Well, you know me now, for what it's worth. If you ever wanted to explore all the things this area has to offer."

"Oh." He says surprised. 

Renjun interjects, bouncing on his heels, "only if you wanted to of course. You may as well enjoy your time while you're here, right?"

Jae raises an eyebrow, "who is to say that I'm not having fun when I'm spending time here?" 

"Are you having fun?" Renjun questions, peering at the book in Jae’s hands, “You know reading Fifty Shades of Grey? I guess that could be fun if you’re into that.” Jae’s face turns red. 

“Uh no.” Jae stutters, his embarrassment amusing Renjun. “It’s not even a good book. Unless you're into that which in that case, I don't judge but I'm not into that."

"Extremely strange and borderline abusive BDSM doesn't do it for you, Jae? I wonder why." Renjun jokes, scanning the book out. 

"I'm not picking these books of my own volition, remember." Jae defends. 

"No judgment from me. No, kink-shaming from me." Renjun teases him.

"I'm feeling quite a bit of judgment right now."

"That's all coming from within, not from me. I read the books too back when they came out as a joke. I was horrified."

"Well, I started it, I have to finish things at this point."

"Whatever you say."

"What were you saying? Something about shoving me the hidden gems in town?"

"If you wanted to, I could show you around."

"I would love that."

"Let me get your number then. We can set something up." 

"Are you messaging someone?"

"Huh?" Jaemin sits on the couch with his legs up on the coffee table, relaxing. They just finished eating dinner, Jaehyun getting a little experimental making a chicken curry. 

"Are you messaging someone?" Jaehyun repeats, looking Jaemin up and down. 

"Yeah, why?" Jaemin didn't think that texting someone was momentous enough for Jaehyun to point it out.

"It's just, I haven't seen you look at your phone with a smile on your face the entire time you've been here." Jaehyun points out. 

"Oh well, I'm texting a friend." That friend being Renjun if he could even call them friends at this point. In the time that he's been here, he's reevaluated what exactly friendship is. Perhaps he's thrown the word around too easily in the past, maybe he should be more hesitant wielding it in the future. But his therapist told him not to purposefully close himself off to people without reason. 

"Donghyuck?" Jaehyun guesses. 

Jaemin rolls his eyes, "Donghyuck is not the only friend that I have." That was a lie. Donghyuck was indeed the closest thing he had to true friendship, a brotherhood even. And at this point, Donghyuck was the only person in the industry. 

"Maybe. But he's the only friend that I know that you've responded to."

"True." Ten texted him the night after the painting session to remind Jaemin that he could be someone to lean on and Jaemin responded with a curt message thanking him. Other than that, the only person he regularly responded to these days was Donghyuck. 

"Renjun."

"Who's Renjun?" This is starting to feel a lot like the accusatory questioning sessions he suffered at the hand of his management early on within his career, except without the threatening nature. 

"The clerk that works at the bookstore I go to almost every day.

"And you're friends?" 

"I don't know what else to call it,” Jaemin shrugs. “He offered to show me around town if I was interested."

"And are you? Interested?"

"Sure. I may as well explore while I'm here, right?"

"If you wanted to be shown around I could have shown you."

"I don't need to inconvenience you any more than I already am." Sometimes he's able to forget that he didn't essentially uproot Jaehyun's life when they're sitting around playing games on the Nintendo Switch. When Jaehyun gets overly competitive playing Mario Kart and they're laughing to the point that their stomachs hurt. And then there are times when Jaemin stays alone in his head for too long and he can't help but think of the obvious. 

Jaehyun sighs, "I already told you that you're not an inconvenience."

"You can just tell me the truth, you know."

Jaehyun shakes his head, ignoring Jaemin’s statement altogether. "So, you're taking him up on his offer then?"

"I guess. He's asking me what I'd be interested in seeing."

“I’m happy that you’ve found a friend then.” 

“Yeah. Me too.” 

"Well, if you want my advice, you guys should go to the Watering Hole. It's about an hour out from here though. It's very scenic."

"I'll be sure to mention it."

"How is therapy going?" 

"It could be better. I'm trying not to be a complete asshole to my therapist but it took me almost a year to feel comfortable with my last one."

"As long as you're not shutting them out." 

"I already shut out almost everyone in my life, one more won't hurt." Jaemin laughs, but Jaehyun's face sinks. "You know that I'm joking, right? I'm in a better place than I was when I got here." 

"Sometimes it's hard to tell," Jaehyun admits. 

Jaemin doesn't know what words he can say to console Jaehyun, not without baring what his worst looked like, and that wasn't something he was willing to do. The last image Jaehyun had of him before this was of a happy-go-lucky nineteen-year-old living out his wildest dreams. Twenty-three-year-old Jaemin wasn't nearly as bright and slightly broken. Even still, he is better off now than he was a few weeks ago. 

Jaehyun continues, filling the silence Jaemin created. "You are the closest thing that I have to a brother and I just feel like I can't do enough to help you. I'm waiting patiently for you to open up to me but I don't know if that time will come before you up and leave, returning to the life of Na Jaemin that destroyed you in the first place." 

"I'm sorry for shutting you out. It's not just you. I shut out everyone. My family, Donghyuck, myself, everyone. I know I shouldn't have handled things that way but I'm trying to be better. I don't want to return to the way I was. I am doing better. The people that I'm letting back into my life genuinely care for me. Any issues that I have are because of me not because of you or anyone else. Thanks to you and Johnny, I've been able to remember the important things in life, so don't think that you've been doing nothing to help me along this journey."

"When you first came here, you cried every day for a week. I was terrified. And we hadn't spoken in ages. I didn't want to do anything that would make it worse but I also didn't know how to make anything better."

"I'm sorry for making you feel that way. I need to get better at sharing how I'm feeling and how I'm doing with you. It's hard for me but I'm trying." 

"I'm sorry for dragging the mood down."

"No more apologizing. Why don't we put on a movie like it's the good old days?" 

  
  


“So you mean to tell me that Chenle just let you borrow this car?” He didn’t expect Renjun to drive up in a Porsche to pick him up. 

“He’s got a few to spare. He actually wanted me to take the Tesla but I thought that’d be too much.” 

“But you didn’t think a Porsche would be?” There were two dreams that Jaemin had after debuting. To buy his parents a house and to buy a luxury car. He made good on the promise to his parents, two months shy of his second debut anniversary. He never ended up getting that car, deciding against it as he never really drove himself around anywhere. 

“I don’t know anything about cars, okay. It’s black. Inconspicuous enough right?” 

“Not really, Renjun." 

"Sorry, I'll take the flashy red Corvette next time," Renjun jokes.

"You sure that this is okay?” 

“I wouldn’t have offered to show you around if I wasn’t. Besides, everyone needs a break now and then from studying. Consider this my break.” 

“If you don’t do well on the MCAT you can’t blame me.”

“If I don’t do well on the MCAT, please convince me to pursue another career path.” 

“One failure doesn’t define your life.” 

“Maybe not but there are hundreds of other ways I can fulfill my goal of helping people that don’t involve med school.” 

"Then why’d you choose to go down that path if you’re so indifferent to getting in or not?”

Renjun shrugs, eyes still on the road. "Everyone seems to find that thing that they're passionate about enough to pursue as a career, I haven't found that yet. I do love helping people though and medicine would allow me to have a direct impact on a person's life. I like it enough that I wouldn't be unhappy doing it the rest of my life but I also won't have to hate my passions."

Jaemin hums. He doesn't understand it, not going after one's passions. He didn't dream of being an idol until after becoming a trainee but he can't imagine that he would have stuck with the rigorous training if he wasn't passionate about it. 

"Let me guess, you pursued your passion? And how is that working out for you?" 

"It could be better." Jaemin couldn't claim that there weren't perks to the job but there are parts of it that he wouldn't hesitate to get rid of if he could. 

"Exactly, my point. I don't want to lose my passions because I choose to pursue it as a job."

"I see what you mean." 

They fall into a steady silence. 

“You listen to Archangel?” Jaemin blinks, turning to Renjun. The song that comes through the AUX is one that he and Donghyuck slaved away writing. 

“Why? Are you a fan?”

“I wouldn’t necessarily say that, no.”

“I wouldn’t call myself a fan either, they do have some great songs though. My cousin is a really big fan of them. When we were teenagers he used to drag me around to their events, it was so annoying. Once when Lucas and I were dating, he forced us to go to their concert with him and his boyfriend.” 

“You and Lucas dated?” 

Renjun laughs, “Is that really all you heard?” 

“It was brand new information!” 

"Have you never broken up amicably with someone?”

Now that Jaemin thinks about it, no he hasn't. All of the serious relationships he had been kept fairly hidden and that just continued after the breakup. Any flings that he had fizzled out as quickly as they began so there was no chance to develop hard feelings. "Not really." 

"Anyway, yes Lucas and I dated for a couple of years in college. But the point is Archangel has a couple of really good songs." 

"Alright." 

"I can feel you judging my taste right now." 

"No judgment at all." 

It takes about an hour for Renjun to pull into their final destination. When Renjun texted him to wear rain boots -- which he didn't pack, he needed to borrow a pair from Jaehyun-- he didn't expect that they'd end up at an apple orchard. 

"I know what you're thinking. Why the heck did Renjun bring me to an apple orchard. Well let me tell you, this isn't just an apple orchard. It will change your life." 

"If you say so." 

"I come here every year to get apple cider and apple cider donuts. I don't even like apples. Just trust me and be amazed."

Jaemin is amazed. Amazed by how seriously people take apple orchards. The last thing he expected to see at an orchard was a bunch of people complying as pirates walking around with alcoholic ciders. According to Renjun, the orchard hosted events like this every month and gave a discount to those that participated. 

"I feel grossly underdressed." Jaemin comments as someone passes by with a parrot on their shoulder.

"Do you want to try any of the alcoholic ciders or will you judge me for chugging a glass of the child-friendly stuff?"

"I think I'll pass on the alcoholic stuff for now. But I will be highly amused if you chug a cup."

"Maybe later when I lose more of my dignity. So, I was thinking that we could go apple picking first and then head to the farm." 

"They have a farm?"

"I told you that this place was magical." 

"I thought you didn't like apples," Jaemin muses, watching Renjun carefully decide which red delicious apples to put in his bag. 

"I don't but Jeno does. He's the personification of an apple a day keeps the doctor away. We usually go apple picking every year but now that he has Chenle he’ll probably go with instead. Being best friends means nothing these days in terms of loyalty.” 

“I’m guessing you and Jeno have known each other a long time then?” Jaemin picks a random apple from a branch. Picking produce has never been something he was good at, he never had to when groceries were delivered to their dorm every two weeks. Maybe Jaehyun will appreciate the shitty apples. 

“If four years is considered a long time then sure. Since college, we were roommates freshmen year.” 

"Long enough." 

"Yeah, I love him. In a platonic way of course. I'd throw up otherwise." Jaemin chuckles at Renjun's distaste. It reminds him a lot of Donghyuck and himself. "You can taste the apples you know." 

"Why would I do that?" Jaemin’s brows furrows, weighing an apple in his hand.

"I don't know. Make sure that the fruit is good. Jeno always does it." Renjun explains with a shrug. 

"Two apple haters in an apple orchard, what do they do?" 

"Fine. You can go and bring bad apples back home. Not my problem." Renjun pouts, turning back to the trees. 

"Do you mind if I take your picture?" Jaemin wishes he had brought his heavy-duty camera with him, this would have been the perfect place to whip it out. Jaemin has been around his fair share of beautiful people whether it be through his acting gigs, modeling, or other idols. The type of striking beauty that made it difficult to turn away from. 

Renjun blinks, "Huh, why?"

"The scenery is nice." Only half of a lie. The landscape was nice to look at for what it was worth. Renjun was just nicer to look at. 

"If you want to." Renjun shrugs. 

Jaemin takes out his phone, the fancy overpriced iPhone would have to do. He snaps pictures of the apple trees, of Renjun picking apples, or just a close up of Renjun’s face. Without trying, Renjun was a natural in front of a camera. Even the moments where he put on a silly face or bit into an apple, were delightful to capture. 

"Do you want me to take your picture?" Renjun asks, watching Jaemin slip his phone back into his pocket. 

"No, I'm more of a behind the camera type of guy." Jaemin refuses with a smile. 

"Oh come on, it'll serve as your memory as the first time in an apple orchard city boy." 

"I never said it was my first time." 

Renjun laughs, "You seem so out of place it's obvious. Don't worry though, it was my first time in an orchard too after I moved to college. Now just let me take your picture, okay?" 

"I'm assuming that you're not going to take no for an answer?" 

"Nope," Renjun shakes his head with a smile. "I can be pretty stubborn when I want to. Now give me your phone and take off your mask." Renjun holds his hand out expectant. Renjun snaps a few shots, even directs Jaemin into positions that would look nice on camera. "You know, you're really photogenic. You should step in front of the camera sometime." Renjun muses from behind the phone.

Jaemin hopes so. He's spent a lot more time than he'd like to admit looking at himself in the mirror to figure out his angles. "Are you calling me pretty?" 

"Why would I do that when I'm standing right here?" Renjun gestures toward himself. 

"Right. That would be an insult to your greatness Lord Renjun." 

"Exactly. Have some respect. Let’s take a picture together.” 

“Are you sure you want to be seen with someone as lowly as me?”

“If I can be seen with Chenle, I think I can make an exception for you.” 

  
  


“I think I saw an article that you left the country to go to some super intense rehab treatment." Donghyuck pops a piece of popcorn in his mouth as if he was telling an interesting story. His therapist mentioned that he should stop avoiding people from his idol life and being the open vessel he is in the hope of improvement he took the words to heart, having semi-regular FaceTime sessions with his best friend. 

"If only my life would be so extravagant." 

"And no one is respecting our requests to not receive any questions about it. It's annoying." There were three separate incidents during Donghyuck's solo promotions that they asked about his wayward groupmate. He respectfully declined the questions but you could easily see the flash of rage that flashes through his eyes. 

"Yeah, I'll probably have to hold a press conference or something whenever I come back." Jaemin dreads the idea of having to explain his miraculous return. It would be much easier if he could hold an Instagram live session and act like nothing happened. 

“It’s going to be so dumb. What are you going to go do? Go up there and say ‘hey guys I’m not the drug addict you think I am, just anxiety-ridden due to your constant surveillance.’”

“That probably won’t be approved by the company but something like that.” His company is by no means unsupportive but at the end of the day they were a business and damage control would be their primary concern whenever Jaemin made his return. Thankfully they haven't goaded him to come back yet but Jaemin is expecting a message to come any time now wondering when he planned to come back. 

“That’s bullshit. It isn’t fair.” Donghyuck huffs. 

“Isn’t that the unfortunate exchange we made for fame?” 

"That doesn't mean that it should happen." They've spoken about it a lot over the years, the cons of debuting. The few overbearing fans with no concept of boundaries. The pressure to emulate perfection despite only being bumbling twenty-somethings like any other young adult trying to find their way through life. Dating was difficult, thankfully not impossible. 

"Right. Anyway, what have you been up to?" 

Donghyuck shifts his phone so that there's finally a good view of him. He speaks with a smile. "I mean I told you that Mark took me out on a date. Finally like the coward he is." Donghyuck didn't stop talking about it for days. Even facetimed with Jaemin so that he could help Hyuck choose an outfit. "I’m really happy you know? It’s so stupid that a dumb boy can make you so happy but he makes me happy.”

“When’s the wedding?” Jaemin jokes. The two of them getting together was a long time coming. Donghyuck sifting through some unworthy suitors and heartbreak because Mark wanted to avoid the inevitable. 

“First we date for three years. Engaged for one. Then we get a white picket fenced home in the suburbs with three dogs as a compromise for me hating kids.” 

“You’ve got it all planned out, huh?” 

"Who else would plan it out? Mark? Might be an eternity if I leave it up to him."

"Right." 

"What about you?" 

"Still reading." When he and Renjun aren't on their adventures, he still finds himself in that seat in the bookstore. "I have a friend that's showing me the mystique of suburbs." 

"You have friends other than your cousin and his boyfriend?" 

"Ha ha ha. Yeah, with Renjun. I think I mentioned him before." 

"Nope, no recollection of a Renjun ever being mentioned. But you did say a friend was showing you around. Do you have a picture of this Renjun?" 

"Uh yeah. Why?" 

"Can you send me a picture of this Renjun?" 

"Okay." Jaemin sends the latest picture they took together. They had a picnic in a sunflower patch. Renjun showing off his freshly dyed pastel pink hair. 

"He's really cute. He looks like more of an idol than we do. What the fuck? You're going on dates with a cute boy and didn't tell me?!"

"They're not dates." 

"Not dates, my asshole. Renjun's making moves on you and you don't even know it." 

"It's not like that I swear."

"Have you tried sticking your tongue down his throat?" 

"And how well did that work when you tried that with Mark?" When Donghyuck first met Mark about five years ago at an after-party for some event, Donghyuck kissed Mark unexpectedly. Donghyuck a little too drunk and Mark a little too sober. Mark ran and avoided Donghyuck until the younger could hunt him down and force Mark to agree that things were swept under the rug.

"He's my almost-boyfriend now so things worked out perfectly. Didn't they?"

"I suppose you have a point but it's nothing right now."

"If you say so."

  
  


"What do you think about going to Chenle's lake house? We're having a sort of big get together there, a last-ditch effort to get out there before college students return." Renjun asks, scanning out Jaemin's book. A YA novel filled with vampires, werewolves, and the like. Something he may have enjoyed as a teen, not so much as a twenty something year-old. 

"Who exactly is 'we'?" Jaemin blinks at him. 

"The usual. You met most of them at the paint and sip event. They might invite some other people but it's chill." 

"Wouldn't I be intruding on your friendship time?"

Renjun shakes his head with a snort, "Of course not. Chenle insisted that I invite you over. He has a boat and we can go out into the water. Or if that isn't to your liking he has a pool and a jacuzzi, too. Also free high-end food. Think of the perks."

"I don’t know." 

"If it makes any difference, I would really like it if you were there too." Renjun smiles, his eyes turning into crescents. And oh, Renjun was pretty. He noticed a few times before when his eyes flickered up from a book and landed on Renjun chewing on his bottom lip or running his hands through his hair in frustration. Pretty enough to convince Jaemin to go on trips just because he asked.

Jaemin hums, "send me the details and I'll let you know." 

  
  


"Why do you keep checking your phone? He said that he was coming." Chenle eyes Renjun from where he’s standing hanging off of Jeno’s shoulders. 

“I know.” Renjun quickly slips his phone into his pocket, embarrassed that Chenle could see right through him. He was anxious, okay? What if Jae bailed last minute? What if he got injured on his way to their meet-up spot? What if Renjun’s invitation had made him uncomfortable? 

“The trip has barely started and you're already bullying Renjun. Give him a break." Jeno says, tilting his head in a way that allows Chenle to place a quick peck on his cheek. The couple has developed this gross symbiotic relationship where they don't detach from one another whenever they're in the same vicinity. 

"If I don't poke fun at Renjun, who will?" 

"No one because everyone else respects me you brat." 

"You love me almost as much as Jeno. Don't lie." Chenle winks at him to punctuate his point. 

"If you and Jeno were drowning, I'd save Jeno in a heartbeat."

"And that's why I'm a fantastic swimmer. Besides, then I'd haunt you so that I can stick by your side forever." Chenle grins in a Cheshire cat manner before nodding off behind Renjun. "Here comes your loverboy Injun." Jae is jogging up with a duffle bag on his shoulder. 

"He's not my lover boy. Don't you dare bring that up this weekend, I will murder you." He threatens. 

"Sorry for being late." Jae huffs, trying to catch his breath. "My cousin ran a little late this morning and I needed him to drive me over here and I needed to borrow swim trunks." 

"No worries Jae. We still have a long weekend ahead of us. Let's head out. Everyone else is meeting us at the house." 

It was so easy to forget how rich Chenle is when he isn't flaunting it in your face. Then you're riding up to a two-story decked out lake house in some luxury car Renjun can't name for a weekend of fun fully funded by Chenle. He's been here twice before for Chinese club parties. Both times getting drunk beyond his limits. He couldn't get embarrassingly drunk this time around. He's an adult now. An adult hopefully going to medical school soon. 

"I'm always so amazed every time I come here." Renjun muses, climbing out of the car. 

Chenle shrugs, "you should see our beach house." 

"How rich is Chenle exactly?" Jae leans over to whisper. 

"Very."

Chenle punches in the code for the door, swinging the door open. "Lucky you because you came with me you can pick whichever room you want." 

"How many people are you expecting this weekend?" Jae asks looking around. He's sure Chenle could comfortably fit at least a dozen people in here. 

"A good amount? A good chunk of people are coming tomorrow." 

"Oh, okay." 

"We can go out onto the lake today, though. I don't really want to captain the boat so I rented a captain out for the afternoon. Their loss." Chenle says casually.

"You can man a boat?" Renjun asks. What more did Chenle experience that he never mentioned.

"You can't?" 

"Sorry, definitely missed that lesson in high school."

"I can also pilot a small plane but those things are like mini death traps. I don't recommend it." Chenle clicks his tongue in distaste. 

"What the fuck?" Jeno huffs. "Do you just hide all of these extravagant experiences to make me not feel bad?" 

"No. I never mentioned it because it never came up. I don't hide anything from you, Jen. These things don't matter." 

"They do matter because they make you who you are." Renjun can see the anger bubbling up within Jeno, the red crawling up his neck. Jeno wasn't quick to anger, but when he did get angry he couldn't be stopped. 

"My parent's money doesn't make me who I am." Chenle scoffs. 

It's that small action that sends Jeno boiling over the edge, snapping, "we're literally here right now because it is!"

"You've never had a problem with it before." 

"No, I chose to not bring it up!"

Renjun's never witnessed the couple argue before, not a real argument at least, and it seems like they're on the cusp of one. Jae looks to Renjun with panicked eyes. Renjun shuffles over to Jae grabbing his duffle bag on the way, "let's go pick our rooms. Want to share one?"

"Sure," Jae follows suit, grabbing his bag and scurrying behind Renjun. Renjun heads directly to a room at the end of the hall on the first floor.

"The key is to pick a room on the first floor so you don't have to deal with stairs when you're drunk but so far down the hall that it isn't the first place that people will choose to fuck in."

Jae nods, accepting Renjun's advice. "That seems serious." 

Renjun plops down on the bed, "They'll be fine. This conversation was long overdue." 

"You think so?"

"Yeah. They kind of come from two different worlds, you know? Chenle doesn't think it's that big of a deal because it's all he's ever known but it brings up some insecurities for Jeno." He's heard Jeno lament about the topic enough times to know that it somewhat ate away at Jeno. Chenle did a good job reassuring him most of the time, but sometimes Jeno is all too aware that he doesn't fit in with Chenle's lifestyle.

"Ah." 

"Hopefully they get it over with by the time the others come. They love each other after all." 

"Love isn't enough to maintain a relationship," Jae says. 

"Maybe not but it will definitely make someone stay in doomed relationships longer than they should."

"You think they're doomed?" 

Renjun sits up, swinging his legs, "No. I think they're perfect for each other they just need to stop being stupid." 

"You guys have an interesting friendship," Jae smiles, amused. 

Renjun chuckles, "if you think that we're weird, wait until you meet some of the others tomorrow." 

"I look forward to it."

"Don't you miss your friends?" 

"I don't have many friends. Besides how can I be lonely when you're my friend here." 

The words put small smile on Renjun's face, "fair point but I find it hard to believe that you wouldn't have any friends."

Jae laughs, "I didn't say that I don't have any friends. I don't have _many_ friends."

"Why is that? You're likable enough." Someone like Jae tended to pull people into his orbit making it impossible to leave even if they wanted to. 

Jae hums, taking a moment to think, "it's hard to form sincere connections. I've come to realize that people try to befriend you just to use you or to ruin you." 

There was sadness laced within his words, sadness that Renjun wouldn't be able to pick up on if they hadn't spent all this time together the last few weeks. A longing maybe. "Well, that sounds cutthroat. What kind of Hunger Games dystopia are you living in?" 

"The real world." 

"For what it's worth, I don't want to use you." Silence falls between them, their eyes lingering on each other for too long. A crackle in the air that Renjun can't quite place. "Did that sound like a car door? I think someone is here. We should go check it out." 

  
  


The water is calm and the sky is bright. There are few other boats out on the water. Jaemin finds it much more relaxing than he expected it to be despite the shouts of excitement from everyone on board. The wind blowing through his hair, the skin kissing his skin. 

"Are you having fun?" Renjun checks in on him. 

"Yeah. Who would have thought that day drinking on a boat could be so fun?" The only other time he's been on a boat was for business affairs and he couldn't even stand around long enough to finish one glass of champagne.

"Everyone. You know, the life of the rich, young, and famous."

Jaemin hums, "I don't think it's quite like this." It wasn't. 

Renjun concedes, "Maybe not but we can pretend."

"Looks like Jeno and Chenle got over their argument." Jaemin nods over to where the couple is lounging on a bench. Jeno's head rests on Chenle's lap as the younger rakes his fingers through Jeno's hair. 

"Yep, Chenle's kind of hard to stay mad at."

"Lucas and Xiaojun are looking pretty cozy." Jaemin watched Xiaojun run sunscreen all over Lucas' chest way too slowly for it to be platonic. 

Renjun hums, "maybe. But Lucas' girlfriend is coming tomorrow." 

"Lucas has a girlfriend?" 

"Kind of, Yuqi. She's pretty cool. As far as he and Xiaojun go, I just stay out of it. Whatever is happening with them she doesn't seem to have a problem with it so why should I?" 

"True." 

"Do you have a girlfriend? You never talk about yourself much." Jaemin had mastered the art of avoiding things that he didn't want to talk about. It was an integral part of entertainment, being able to dodge unexpected questions that tried to dig too far. 

"No, I don't." 

"A boyfriend then? Any significant other? Situationship?" Renjun asks. 

"Nope." 

"Cool. Me too. It gets tiring being the only officially single person around. Welcome to the club." Renjun gives him a lazy smile, the effect of too much alcohol. "Do you want another drink? It looks like you're running low."

"Nah, I think I'm okay. There's still a long night ahead of us." 

"You're right. You're so smart, Jae. Maybe you should go to med school instead of me."

"I don't think I'd be cut out for that." 

"Neither am I but here I am anyway. I'm gonna go get some water." 

"I'll be here." 

"So, Renjun huh?" Chenle replaces Renjun by his side. 

"What about him?" Jaemin watches Renjun throw an arm around Xiaojun's shoulder, spilling some of his water. 

"Oh come on, I see the way you guys look at each other. I'm jovial, not naive." 

"I don't know what you mean." 

"Do I need to spell it out for you even after you guys have been on like ten dates together?" 

"They weren't dates? Renjun was just showing me around while I'm here." Jaemin denies.

"Huh?" 

"We never called them dates? I'd assume that the participating parties would need to consent to it being a date for it to be a date." 

"But don't you like him?" Chenle asks as if the answer is obvious. 

"What does that have to do with anything?" Now Jaemkn wasn't stupid. He knew the game that Chenle was playing at and he understood why this assumption would arise after all the time that he and Renjun spent together. What he didn't understand was why attraction meant that something _had_ to happen. He wasn't a savage. He could spend time alone with an objectively good looking person and not pounce on them. 

"That wasn't a no." Chenle pounts out. 

"Thank tou captain obvious for understanding semantics. I'm not here forever, remember?" Did he like Renjun? Maybe. Did he deserve someone like Renjun? No. Pursuing Renjun meant opening the door to hurting Renjun and that wasn't something that Jaemin wanted to do. 

"We don't live in archaic times. Anything is possible, Jae." 

"But you do like him, no? Because Jeno is ready to fight you if you take advantage of Renjun." 

"I wouldn't take advantage of him. I haven't thought about it." Did he like spending time with Renjun? Without a doubt. Renjun was easy to get along with, conversations flowed nicely. And there was no doubt that Renjun was nice to look at. 

"Stop thinking and just feel." Chenle says like it's easy. 

"That's hard for me to do. I don't want to hurt Renjun." 

"Then don't. But the least you can do is talk to him if you do like him."

"You and Jeno though are cute." 

"Thanks. I know we haven't been dating for long but I love him and I don't want to fuck this up." The little smile that creeps upon his face is endearing. "Don't tell him that I said that though. I haven't told him myself yet."

"And why haven't you? I barely know you guys and I can tell he's head over heels for you. Like every word you say is on some sort of string that pulls him into you." 

"That was hella poetic. I guess all that reading pays off." 

Jaemin laughs. It was his job to piece together words in a way that people want to listen to. He would hope that he's half-decent at it. "I try." 

"I told you that I don't want to fuck it up. I want him to trust that I'd give him the world if he asked for it without me having to say it or he'll push me away. That scares me. I don't want to lose him." 

"That's cute." 

"But this isn't about me, this is about you and Renjun. Go after what you want. Would you rather never try and regret it later?" 

  
  


Saturday is even wilder than Friday with the newest additions to the house. Like Renjun had said, Lucas' girlfriend came although he didn't introduce her to Jaemin as such. She brought a friend, Shuhua, who seemed like so much more than a friend than they admitted. Junhui and Minghao from Chenle's days in college, therefore meaning that they also most likely came from money. They were chill enough. Yiren was kind of intense but Jaemin didn't mind too much. Eric and Felix tried hard to make him feel welcome in the slew of all of these people that knew each other well. Luckily they all arrived before the drinking started or else thete would be no chance he'd remember any of their names. 

"Renjun, where'd you find a guy like this? I like him. He's funny." Shuhua leans into Jaemin, playing with the band on his wrist. 

"The bookstore that I work at?"

"Maybe I should start reading again." She slurs her words. 

"That still wouldn't make him like you." 

"Why? Are you gay?"

"I'm bi but I'm not interested." 

"Ooooh burn." Lucas fans the flames. 

"Yeah, I know he only has eyes for Renjun, I get it." 

Jaemin doesn't even get to protest before Renjun is spitting back, "no, it's because you're messy with a girlfriend. Stop making him uncomfortable." 

Shuhua turns to him, eyes glassy with tears, "Are you uncomfortable? Tell Renjun that you're not uncomfortable." 

"Is this coercion?"

Yuqi comes around to where they're sitting handing over a cup to Shuhua, "Drink this. No more alcohol for a few hours." 

"Don't tell me what to do!" Shuhua protests weakly, with a pout. 

"Sorry, she gets more combative than normal when she drinks." Shuhua apologizes to Jaemin before turning back to Shuhua. "Let's go to the other couch. You can drink your water and we can cuddle." 

Shuhua hums, "yay, cuddles." She uncurls herself from Jaemin's arm to follow Yuqi. 

Jaemin doesn't remember the last time he's been at a party so lively where the only thing that drove the people around him away from sobriety was alcohol. The group hasn't even drunk that much unless they gulped down multiple shots while he went to the bathroom. A lot of them have found their way into the hot tub, Jaemin on the other hand found himself in a heated game of beer pong dragged into it by Chenle. Much to Chenle's dismay, Jaemin has never played the drinking game before. It wasn't exactly the activity of choice at a haughty event or intense after-parties, but he can understand the competitiveness heightened by the addition of alcohol. 

After they lose, Jaemin makes his way over to the hot tub. 

"So you mean to tell me that you and Jeno never so much as kissed since you've been living together?" Yiren asks in disbelief. 

"Nope." 

"I don't believe that! Even I've kissed Jeno and he's gay." 

"Hey! You make it sound like that's a bad thing." Jeno interjects. 

She cups the side of his face, soothing him, "No babe, you're a great kisser. I'm just a woman." 

"Fair." 

"It's not my fault that you both have a penchant for making out with people when you're drunk. I just don't want to partake." 

"I feel like you're always cuddling in your apartment. And you not once kissed? Not even have a hand slip down to his ass?" Felix presses on. 

"He doesn't have much of an ass to grab on to, so why would I?"

"Hey!" 

"Okay Jae, you weigh in. If the person you happened to live with happened to be super attractive and super single, would you or would you not have at least kissed them once in the years you've lived together?"

Jaemin would be biased here. He and Donghyuck have probably done everything under the face of the sun together except date. It was the easiest way to come into their sexuality. "Uh, definitely would have probably kissed at least once even if it was just out of curiosity." 

"You're supposed to be on my side, Jae!" 

"Sorry." 

"Let's get you to bed." Renjun is slung over Jaemin's shoulder. For as small as he was, he could certainly drink more than he thought. 

Renjun whines, "I don't want to go to sleep. I want to have fun." 

"You can have fun in the morning." A pouty drunk Renjun, Jaemin decided, is a cute Renjun. While he scolded Yuqi and Jeno for liking to make out with the nearest person while drunk, Renjun became all the more affectionate. Hanging off of his friends as if his life depended on it and whining whenever that person was whisked away to another activity. 

Renjun flops onto the bed like a dead weight. "Did you have fun? I really hope that you had fun. I don't want my friends to scare you away." 

"I had fun," Jaemin assures him. 

Renjun rubs his face with the back of his hands in a cat-like manner, it amuses Jaemin. "Good. I was worried you wouldn't have a good time." 

"I did. Thank you for inviting me." It was the most genuine fun Jaemin has had at a celebration in a while. 

"Hey, Jaemin." Renjun turns to him, serious. 

"Yeah?" 

"Can you come closer?" 

Jaemin kneels so that he's hovering near Renjun's face, "yeah?" 

Renjun leans closer so that their lips touch ever so slightly. It doesn't last more than a few seconds that Jaemin is uncertain that it even happened. Renjun pulls back with a lazy smile, his eyes barely able to stay open, and his face flushes red. "I think that I like you." 

The involuntary flutter in the pit of Jaemin's stomach takes him by surprise. He hasn't liked anyone enough to envision dating them in ages. It was easy to avoid developing feelings when he didn't spend enough personal time with anyone other than his team.

When Jaemin's brain starts working again he's able to force out. "I think that we should talk about it when you're sober." 

Pouty Renjun returns, "My feelings won't change when I'm sober." 

"Then you wouldn't have any objection to talking when you wake up." 

"I have more courage when I'm drunk." 

"That's okay. We'll talk in the morning. Good night."

Renjun groans, "remind me never to drink again." He may have been awake for the past few minutes pretending to still be asleep, hearing Jae shuffling around the room and rustling through his bag. Renjun wasn't a coward, most of the time at least. But maybe if he pretended long enough, he could act like he didn't kiss Jae at the end of the night. 

"I got you water if you're feeling parched. It's on the nightstand." 

Renjun forces himself up in bed to sip on the water, "You're already ready to go?" 

"It's almost noon, Renjun. You missed breakfast." Jae chuckles.

"Oh." 

"Maybe you can grab lunch when we get back to town." 

"Nah, I'll probably just guilt trip Jeno into cooking me something when we get home." 

"Okay. Do you want to talk now?" 

"Oh, I thought that we would just, you know, ignore it until the problem goes away. That's how it always works out on TV." Renjun jokes. 

"If you want to ignore it, we can do that." 

"No, it's fine. I'm sorry for kissing you but I'm not going to apologize for my feelings. I didn't like you originally, that's not why I offered to show you around. But after spending all that time together somewhere along the way I just started to like you."

"You can say something now and save me from my embarrassment. I'll spontaneously combust right here if we stay in silence much longer." Renjun feels like he's back in his teenage years confessing to his first crush all over again. Renjun got rejected back then, cried about it all night. But he got over it back then and he'd surely get over this too. 

"I just don't know what to say? I don't understand why you like me." 

"Sometimes you don't need to understand and just follow your feelings." 

"That's the problem. I don't know how I feel and besides, I'm not staying here forever, Renjun." 

"I wasn't asking for forever, Jae. Why do we need to talk about forever when we can just continue enjoying time together like we are now?" 

"I don't want to hurt you." 

"I think that you should think less of yourself and your ability to hurt me." 

"That’s not what I meant.” 

"What? I don't match with your fancy city lifestyle?" Renjun doesn't sound upset, dejected maybe. 

"If you would just let me talk, Renjun, I could explain myself." 

"Sorry." 

"I came here because I was running away from a lot in my life and it's hard for me to open up to people." Donghyuck was probably the only person that knew him from the inside and out. Seen his worst sides. His insecurities, his self-destructive tendencies. Even then he could push Donghyuck away. 

"So, what is it? Think you'll run away from me too?" Renjun looks at him with round eyes, searching for something. 

"No, I think you'll run away from me." He admits. His therapist would truly be proud of him being able to say this without having to be combative first. 

"Oh." Renjun says, small. He takes Jaemin's hand in his, linking their hands together. "Let's make this easy then, do you like me? Don't think about what happens after you go back to your life. Just think about right here and now. Do you like me?" 

"More than I should if I'm being honest."

“Then don’t think about what could happen later, think about what we can do now. We don’t even need to label this, just enjoy spending time together.”

"Okay." Jae nods a little. 

"I would kiss you right now but my mouth has cobwebs right now. Just wait until I brush my teeth!" 

  
  


_Do you want to come over Friday night?_

_Jeno is staying with Chenle for the weekend_

The message has had Jaemin on edge the last few days in anticipation. What was Renjun implying? The only other times he's gotten a "come over" type text was for late-night booty calls from other people in the industry. Was that what Renjun was expecting? He'd never alluded to it in the few weeks since the weekend at the cabin. 

Renjun moved excruciatingly slowly even for Jaemin's standards. There was time to move slowly in the hustle and bustle of the entertainment industry. The luxurious lifestyle didn't afford them the luxury of enjoying the moment. He enjoyed the relaxation being produced with Renjun. Strolling through the park hand in hand. Exchanging small glances across the bookstore. 

_Why are you acting like you've never had sex before?_ Donghyuck scolded him as he whined. Truthfully, he couldn't explain logically why his heart was racing at the thought of spending a night with Renjun although there was no guarantee that anything sexual in nature would occur.

Jaemin bounces on the balls of his feet, an overnight bag slung over his shoulder, a Tupperware of cookies in his hands. His heart thumps in his ears and his hands are a little sweaty. If Renjun doesn't come to the door any second now his legs just might carry the rest of his body away. 

The door swings open, Renjun smiling on the other side. His skin flushed and his hair was still wet. "You're here earlier than I anticipated. I just got out of the shower." Renjun motions him in. 

Jaemin kicks off his shoes, "sorry, I got anxious and I couldn't stay at home any longer." Renjun hadn't exactly given him a time to come over. Just an address and an _I'll see you later_. Jaehyun got tired of him burning holes through the floor of his apartment with his pacing and shooed him out of the house. 

The apartment is far more vibrant than he expected out of Jeno and Renjun. The decor was vibrant. Reds, greens, and yellows that probably would have clashed otherwise but seemed to work in this setting. A couple of stuffed animals are haphazardly organized on the couch. 

"Why are you anxious? It's just me." Renjun chuckles amused. 

"That's exactly why I'm anxious. You make me nervous." Jaemin admits. Renjun is dressed comfortably, an oversized sweater slightly hanging off of his shoulders matched with a pair of joggers. The outfit was nothing to brag about but Renjun still left him in awe. 

"I'll choose to take that as a compliment." 

“Oh, my cousin made cookies for you. They’re snickerdoodles.” Jaemin releases the Tupperware from a death grip, presenting it to him. 

Renjun chuckles, gladly accepting the container. “Is this a gift for having to deal with you?” 

“Now that I think about it, maybe.” 

“Why are you standing so far away? I’m not going to bite you or anything unless you’re into that.”

“I don’t know what to do with my body.” 

“Take a seat on the couch or something. You’re making me anxious. Do you want anything to drink?” 

“I’m okay for now.” Jaemin settles on the couch, dropping his bag on the floor. 

"Okay. So what do you want to do? I didn't plan this well enough so I don't have enough groceries to cook but we can order food if you're hungry and put on a movie." 

"I could go for some food. Sure." 

Renjun shuffles out of the kitchen, settling on the couch next to him, pulling his laptop onto his lap. "Anything you want in particular?" 

"You can choose." 

"Okay. Giving me all of the power. I like it." 

After devouring the Thai food ordered they threw on a Chinese movie that Renjun had been wanting to watch but hadn't gotten the time to do so. It's a rom-com from what Jaemin could tell. He'd be able to learn more about the plot if he could just stop staring at Renjun's face long enough to read the subtitles. Renjun was expressive. Laughing unabashedly at jokes in the movie. Frowning when a joke doesn't land as well as planned. Squeezing at Jaemin's hand when the anxiety in the movie bubbles over. A single tear rolling down his cheek when the main couple gets back together at the end of the film. 

"Any movie you want to watch next?" Renjun doesn't answer, so Jaemin turns to him. "Renjun?" 

"I'm sorry if this comes off as very forward and I'm fine with watching another movie if you want but I really want to have sex with you. It's kind of why I invited you over but it seems like you're kind of scared of me." 

"Oh." 

"But we can just turn on a movie and cuddle if you're not ready for that step. No big deal." 

"No, I'd like that too. I want that for us." 

"Really? Oh."

"Why do you sound so surprised?" 

"You were skittish all night and nervous." 

"You make me nervous. Like my heart is going to burst out of my chest. I've never felt this way in a very long time."

"Oh really? And how do I make you feel?" There's a glint in Renjun's eyes. A spark of something sexual. He's only seen glimpses of this Renjun before, usually after makeout sessions. 

"You make me feel like I can be myself. Like I can fly by just being around you. Like even if the whole world was against me, even if I was against myself, that as long as I had you by my side I could conquer anything." 

"Can I show you how much you mean to me?" Renjun leans into him, eyes flickering toward Jaemin's lips. All it takes is a small nod of Jaemin's head for Renjun to pounce on him. Renjun pushes him back and climbs on his lap in a way that has the armrest digging uncomfortably into Jaemin's back but he can't complain too much when someone so pretty is on his lap. 

Kissing Renjun is different every time. This time screams desperation. From the pulling at the hair at the back of his nape to the pull of teeth on his bottom lip. And every time Renjun chooses to grind down roughly it drives him crazy. Renjun tugs on the hem of his shirt, signaling Jaemin to lift his arms so he can take it off. 

“I’ve been wanting to get my hands on you since the weekend getaway,” Renjun admits, splaying his fingers on Jaemin’s abs. 

“Why didn’t you?” Jaemin chuckles, amused. 

Renjun smiles before leaning in to whisper mere inches from Jaemin’s lips, “You’ll come to find out that I have an immense amount of self-restraint.” Renjun goes over his neck next, kissing and licking a trail down to his chest. "Let's head to my room." 

"Lead the way." 

Jaemin is the first to wake up in the morning, a sliver of sunlight peeking through a gap between the curtains. Renjun is on his side, curled into Jaemin, Jaemin's arm resting loosely around his waist. There's a calm in the air that feels foreign to him and yet comfortable. From this distance, Jaemin can count the eyelashes that rest against his cheeks, feel the tickle of Renjun's breath against his bare chest. 

"What are you staring at?" Renjun stirs awake, keeping his eyes closed. 

"How'd you know I was looking at you?"

"I can practically feel your heart beating in your chest. I hope that you were looking at me." Renjun grins, opening his eyes. 

"Have I ever told you that you're beautiful?" 

"Once or twice just last night. That was good." 

"Just good? I thought I'd get a more glowing review with all the 'more's you moaned last night."

Renjun weakly punches at his chest. "I can't have your ego getting too inflated." 

"I really like you, Renjun." 

"I really like you too."

"Why do you keep calling, Yangyang? I ignored your call twice on purpose." Renjun groans into his phone, it was way too early to listen to his cousin's voice.

"Renjun, why are you on the front page of tabloids kissing Na Jaemin?" 

"What the fuck are you talking about Yang? I don't know Na Jaemin." 

"Then why the fuck are you kissing him? Check your phone." 

Renjun opens up their messages, screenshots of cover stories. _Who is Na Jaemin's mystery man? Na Jaemin is hidden in a love shack with a new man. First photos of Na Jaemin surface after months on hiatus. Did Na Jaemin stage his breakdown so he could run off with his lover?_ There were various pictures of them together. Back when they went to Chenle's lake house on the yacht. A picture of them on a date in the park. 

"That's Jae." 

"Yeah. Na Jaemin. Is he the new guy you were talking about seeing?" 

"I'm going to call you back later." 

Renjun frantically dials Jae's number one, two, three times, reaching the voicemail every time. "Answer the phone you asshole!" He shouts, throwing the phone down on the bed. He moves to his closet, hastily pulling on clothes. 

"Renjun?" Jeno tentatively knocks on the door, slowly opening the door. "I heard screaming. Are you okay?" 

"Have you seen the news?" His voice trembles. Jeno's face betrays him before he can even force out a lie. "He lied to me Jeno. And now he won't even answer my calls." 

"It sounds like he had good reason to." Jeno says tentatively. 

Renjun glares at him, gritting out, "don't tell me that you're defending him." 

"I'm not. Just clearly who he is makes things complicated." 

All of the times that Jae was hesitant to share aspects of his life. The vague explanation for running away from his life. It all made sense. Renjun must have been blinded to have not questioned it earlier. "He should have still told me." 

"I agree." 

"I have to find him." With new found determination Renjun scrambles off the bed, shuffling through a drawer to grab a pair of pants. 

"Renjun, there are probably dozens of reporters outside of his cousin's apartment right now. You can't go there."

"Then what the fuck am I supposed to do, Jeno!? Sit here and just wait until he gets the courage to call me?" 

"I don't know, Renjun. I don't know." Jeno wraps his arms around him, Renjun burying his face in Jeno's neck. 

Renjun doesn't cry. How could he when he can barely comprehend what is going on? And as the minutes faded away, Jeno keeping him company in bed, he can barely think let alone process what it's like being plastered around the internet.

He doesn't know how many minutes have passed before Jeno speaks up again, "You need to eat something." 

"I'm not hungry." 

"I didn't ask if you were hungry. You need to eat." 

J<3 pops up on the caller ID, Renjun scrambles for his phone. "Hello? Jae?! I mean Jaemin?" 

"Hey, Renjun." He sounds uncharacteristically sad. It tugs at Renjun's heart. 

He wants to be angry. It would be easier to hide his hurt under a barrage of shouting and insults. And yet, Renjun doesn't find himself being angry. "I- are you okay?" 

"I'm going back to the city. My company wants me to go back." 

"Oh." Renjun shouldn't have expected anything less. 

"I'm sorry." 

"Are you in trouble?" 

"Not in the way you might think." 

Renjun doesn't want to pry, he doesn't suspect that Jaemin would answer even if he were to ask what punishment he received. "What does that mean for us?" 

"I don't know." 

"What does that mean, Jaemin?" 

"I have to do a press conference tomorrow. My grand return. What do you want me to say about us?" 

Renjun ignores the question, pushing on. "why didn't you tell me who you were?" 

"I told you, I was running away. You saw a more real version of me than most people have." It's a deflection. 

"That's not a reason Jaemin." 

"I know that and I'm sorry for not telling you who I am, not completely at least. But everything else I've told you about myself is real." 

"How am I supposed to believe that?"

"I don't know how to convince you Renjun but I hope with every fiber of my being that some part of you does. I told you right? That it was hard for me to trust people without thinking that they have an ulterior motive. That they want something from me? You're one of the few people other than my family where the only thing you've ever wanted was for me to be myself." He doesn't know how to respond so he doesn't. "You asked me what we were. When I have my press conference tomorrow, what do you want me to say? You said that you liked power right? I'm giving it to you Renjun. What do you want me to say?" 

"Jaemin…." 

"I can't stay on the phone for long. Take some time to think about it. Text me." 

"Jaemin, wait!' 

"Yeah?" 

"Please take care of yourself. That's the least you can do for me." 

  
  


"Na Jaemin's first solo song after his return from a hiatus has been taking over the charts. We have Na Jaemin with us today to discuss the song that everyone is talking about. Hello Jaemin, how does it feel to officially be back?" Just a few months away from the cameras makes him feel like the novice teenager again that would blink too many times. The fans cheering a couple of feet away energize him. 

"Strange." Jaemin answers honestly with a dazzling smile, "my time away has really helped me evaluate some of my friendships here and it's helped me set my priorities straight." 

"We're happy to have you back and see you better than ever." His company devoted too much time deciding which show he should make his return on. There were many factors to take into account. Would they poke at the holes in his story that his company would rather keep hidden? Would they paint Jaemin in a positive light despite his slipups?" 

"Thank you. I'm happy to be back. I've missed my genuine friends and most importantly my fans who have been supporting me." The fans roar at his words. 

"Now let's talk about your song. It's reported that you made the song from the lyrics to the composition to the production. Can you tell us what the song is about?"

_Until the last moment you’ve consoled me_

_But it’s as if you don’t know. What is it that makes me miserable_

_I swell up at the days that are to be forgotten_

_More so than for the days when I will be left alone_

_It pains me that I can’t give you_

_More so than I can’t have you_

_“I never meant to hurt you_

_I never meant to make you cry_

_I only wanted to tell you”_

"The song is about the end of a relationship. I'm sure most of us have experienced heartbreak at least once in our lives." 

"Once maybe five times. Am I right?" 

"Exactly. Some relationships have to end even though both parties want the relationship to continue. Certain circumstances are unavoidable and for people apart. Those are the most painful because both parties care so much about each other. Worse than the end of the relationship is having to force yourself to forget all of the good memories you've had together."

"Would you say that the lyrics are based on your real life?"

_You turned away, but even then you worried about me_

_But it’s as if you don’t know what is it that makes things so hard on me_

_It’s not the_

_Loneliness that is left alone,_

_The tear-stained heart,_

_Entwined moment,_

_The one and only truth,_

_It’s the sorrowfulness that everything that will be forgotten_

_I swell up at my image even erasing the memories_

_The image that I would get so familiar with_

_"_ Perhaps." 

"Does it have anything to do with the man you were photographed with some while ago?" 

"I'd rather not comment on that."

"That's alright."

"It's difficult hurting someone you care about deeply. Because even love cannot heal every wound you've caused. The song is one last plea. The last time or maybe for some the first time, telling that person you love them. And if by some chance they're listening, hopefully, they can truly hear you."

_“I never meant to hurt you_

_Only wanted to tell you”_

_“That I am still in love with you”_

Jaemin has to do a double-take when the name pops up on his caller ID. "Renjun?" 

"Hey, stranger." 

"I didn't think you'd even call." Radio silence from Renjun the past few weeks, Jaemin thought he'd never hear from the other again. He can't keep the giddy feelings of hearing his voice again from bubbling up his throat. 

"Truthfully, I didn't know if I would." 

"Then why are you calling?" Deep down he hoped and prayed that Renjun would despite the fact that Jaemin didn't deserve it. 

"I had something to tell you." 

"What is it?" 

"I heard you."

**Author's Note:**

> The song that was used at the end is Nell's Slip Away. I highly recommend it.  
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
